


Understandable

by roxyofheart



Category: Homestuck
Genre: ADHD Themes (mostly underwritten), Angst, Canon Compliant, Dead Family, Depression, Dirk Lives With Jake, Family Issues, Grief/Mourning, It Is All Set Like In The Credits, John Lives Alone, M/M, Mutual Pining, Nihilism Talk, No-Epilogue, OCD Dirk Strider, OCD Intrusive Thoughts, Past Child Abuse, Pessimism Talk, Possible Anxiety Themes, Post-Actual-Ending, Post-Canon, Some nice fluff, Suicidal Ideation, Talks Of Grief, Them Figuring It Out, Therapy, dirkjohn, johndirk, some sexual content, talks of suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-10
Updated: 2020-12-26
Packaged: 2021-03-09 21:14:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 34,648
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27982899
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roxyofheart/pseuds/roxyofheart
Summary: John and Dirk are both technically hopeless, and hopelessly into each other. They technically could try becoming closer, and also technically /could/ try to understand one another. Whatever happened next didn't matter to them yet.(Where Dirk and John, not even sure of what it means to be alive, get the chance to find what they really needed to find within themselves).
Relationships: John Egbert/Dirk Strider
Comments: 22
Kudos: 18
Collections: DirkJohn Big Bang 2020





	1. Premier

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello! This story was going to be focused on the idea that Dirk has untreated OCD, but I decided to generalize it more towards both his and John's depressions. It's going to be four chapters long and it means a lot for me to finally be posting this :) I hope y'all like it, it'd mean the world.
> 
> Reminder: this is set five years after the ending, in the month of December. John then would be 21, and Dirk turning 22.

Dirk watched as John took another sip from his tall water bottle. He tried not to stare at his lips too much, trying to remember if he had seen him drinking any alcohol during the party. The motion was fun to look at: him grabbing the bottle with the left hand and turning the keys to his front door with the right. There was nothing special about the way John moved, but it was quite clear to Dirk why his head considered there to be.

There was something really obvious about the way he stared at John. Dirk always had to deal with the thoughts that would pop up in his head whenever he’d cross paths with the guy on the way somewhere. He hated but had to deal with the way he’d sometimes look into his blue eyes, and imagine that they could possibly be staring back at him for a purpose, and not just for the mere coincidence of eyes catching one another in a world full of people to see and directions in which to stare.

He had tried to convince himself before that all of that was just another type of intrusive thinking, and that it was one more way his brain had found to trick him into believing he was doing something completely spiteful. “Yeah,” he’d say to his head. “he looks like Jake, maybe that's why".

But it wasn't why. And he had learned to accept it.

He still felt like it was disgusting to feel that way. Him, being interested in John, while actively knowing about all the little things that could and would work against that dumb idea in his head? There were few situations he would have considered to be worse than that one, but at least it was an easy one to hide. When John came back from locking the door, walking inside the kitchen and smiling politely, Dirk knew he’d go back to doing just that: hiding.

He watched as John walked around the bar where he was sitting, and placed his water on top of it, grabbing a few bottles from the ground.

— Want any help? — Dirk asked quickly.

— Nah, don’t worry — John responded. Dirk nodded and stood back, adjusting his sitting on the stool, and waiting.

John walked, and walked, and _shit_ did Dirk tremble… He tried to focus on his hands and on making his leg stop bouncing, but he really needed to release some of his tension. John stepped near him, and his heart almost skipped a beat.

It was almost embarrassing that he was sitting around like that, just waiting for John, who _had_ to be uncomfortable having his friend just chilling on his barstool like a weirdo. John was almost done putting away all the foods and drinks that had been left over from his sister's party, and then he'd be available to give Dirk his full attention. Once he felt finished, he walked back to the bar, checking what else could be underneath it. He asked Dirk if he had anything on him that he needed to throw away.

— Uh, no! No, I don’t — he responded, not having expected the question due to zoning out again, still thinking of the party.

John nodded and walked away again. He came back a few moments later, sighing happily and going “gonna leave the rest for tomorrow” with a smile on his face. Dirk asked one more time if he didn’t want any help cleaning up, since he was already there, but he denied it again. Dirk accepted the answer for good this time, trying not to stare at John’s smile too much. He grabbed his phone, trying to distract himself, as John began to speak.

— So! — his voice sounded clear but also _slightly_ different than usual, probably due to the alcohol that he had probably drunk. — Ready to be the _present master_ , Dirk Strider?

Dirk chuckled, still looking at his phone and trying to ignore the fact that John was standing on the other side of the bar, as if he was serving a client. It looked attractive, he had to admit.

— Sure — he replied, now staring at John and seeing him ruffle at his hair with a sigh. — Thanks for the help.

— Hey, that's alright. I'm always up for helping people find the perfect present — he ironized, with a long smile on his face. — Especially Dave. Have any ideas?

— Yeah, I made a list with some but... they're all stupid.

— How stupid?

Dirk grabbed his phone again and opened it to where the list was. “Let me see”, he lied, already knowing that whole list by heart.

— Very stupid.

— Come on, 'sure it's not — John giggled, trying to grab the phone from Dirk's hand. — Can I see?

But he had already pulled it away. Dirk didn't have to reply to what obviously hadn't been a question.

Dirk stared at the wall, while John read his phone, trying to process the fact he had just touched his hand. God, he was really in deep.

— Hm... This is all pretty nice — John said, honestly. — Like, really nice.

Dirk stayed in silence but nodded. John finished reading and handed him the phone back.

— This is like... some really meaningful shit.

— Really? — Dirk asked, not even knowing what he was saying. He was nervous. — I don't know, John. Wanna make sure I don't get it wrong.

John smiled, looking at his own phone this time. Dirk finally took his eyes away from the table and glared at him, hearing him laugh through his nose.

— What?

— Nothing. It’s just kinda funny how you do this _every_ year. You’re always awful with this whole present thing.

Dirk mumbled, annoyed. Come on, it wasn’t funny. How could it be funny how bad he was at getting a perfect present for someone like Dave Strider, who had told him a million times not to bother with any of that?

Maybe it was a little stupid. But not funny, right?

— Come on, it’s not cool — he let his head drop down and leaned his face against his folded arms, lying on the table. — It’s just with him, ok? It’s easy to get Rose a present. Roxy? Ridiculous. Jane and Jake? Also easy. But Dave...

— Fucking hard?

— Yeah, that's a way to put it.

John chuckled, shaking his head. Dirk went back to sitting normally, always staring down at the wooden table and not feeling John’s eyes shift between him and the wood as he heard his voice. “But hey, come on”, he heard, analyzing the words John said like a weirdo would.

— You _know_ he's gonna love whatever you do.

He shot a little smile, which Dirk only saw at the end of the sentence, when he looked at John so he could speak back.

— He will? — he asked, sighing ironically.

— Of course he will — John winked. — Come on, what’re you afraid of?

— What do you mean?

— Like, why is it always so hard? To get Dave something, I mean.

And so Dirk knew he'd start to think again. John was asking something so average and innocent that Dirk knew it would be disgusting of him to start monologuing about how complex and argumentative his brain was, to the point where he could never be sure of anything about himself, other than the fact that he was bombarded with thoughts non-stop. He wouldn’t give John an uncomfortable answer like that one even if he was capable of it. He just tried to think of a normal answer because that was what he always tried to do. And then what he decided to say was that he wasn’t sure.

Which wasn't, entirely, a lie.

— I don't know for sure. Dave’s just so… I don’t know. I know it’s not that big of a deal.

— It’s okay to make a big deal out of things that aren’t a big deal — John smiled. — But if it helps, I’ll repeat it back to you: it’s not that big of a deal and he’ll surely love anything you can get him.

Dirk nodded. What he knew John didn’t understand was how big of a weight he was in Dave’s life, but he didn’t need him to understand that either, ‘cause nobody other than the two of them ever would. But he nodded because he knew there was also an easier side of Dave that John was friends with, and being aware of this side’s existence would calm Dirk down if he was capable of believing anything hopeful his mind could ever think of. Basically, he didn’t want to talk about anything like that with John. He told his head to fuck off for a minute so he could go back to the conversation without losing himself to his thoughts.

Was a normal social dynamic too much to ask for?

— I just wanna get him something... that actually means a lot. As stupid as that sounds.

— Well, I like your ideas. They're actually great — and Dirk nodded in disbelief. — But really, Dirk. I can't help you. You've gotta do this yourself. If you wanna give him something meaningful, it’s within yourself. I’d only deter you from what you already feel like giving him.

And that was obviously true. 

And Dirk knew that that was obviously true. Another person trying to work with Dirk’s thoughts would absolutely not result in a harmonious way to both of the heads in the situation. He knew that beforehand, and really just wanted an excuse to spend more time with John. It probably had been too much of an impulsive idea to plan to be in his house that late at night, and now he realized it was also a really bold one.

He just couldn’t explain the feeling of being alone on a Friday night, sitting at John’s kitchen bar, and seeing him there, standing, his wide shoulders looking even nicer in that green shirt… Dirk tried once more to make sure it wasn’t noticeable that he was looking.

— Yeah.

— But I can try to help. If you wanna share anything else.

But he knew Dirk wouldn’t really share anything. And that was okay. That wasn’t the first time in which all of that had happened, and all that drama would surely result in Dirk choosing a present himself anyway, and in Dave absolutely loving it. The situation was already a running joke for some others. John realized it was likely due to Dirk’s emotions working in a different way than everybody else, and he was okay with that.

John was thinking. And Dirk was thinking too. And because that was too redundant, it didn’t really matter anymore. John winked at him.

— You know, that was a really fun party, really glad you came. Sorry I can’t help with the present thing.

— That's alright, sorry for asking.

— No, that's cool. Also, I know you’re gonna offer to help clean up again, so just hear me out: no. — they giggled together. — Leave it to me. But thanks again.

— No problem — Dirk smiled. — Are you sure though?

— Absolutely sure. And hey, trust your brotherly intuition, alright? Don’t worry about it.

Dirk nodded.

— This is all gonna be easier when eternity makes us give up on the whole “birthday” thing. — he stood up from the stool, which made John realize he was planning to leave, obviously. — It’s inevitable.

— Shit, yeah! I always think about that.

And John leaned on the small fridge that he had inside the bar, looking at Dirk from there and smiling wide. Dirk stood in place, looking around and then at John again, not sure what to do or say.

— Nice party, by the way. Definitely invite me for the next one.

— Heh, alright, see you tomorrow. Actually, don’t think I’m really gonna go out tomorrow, I have this mess to take care of — and Dirk started “you sure you don’t need he-” to which John laughed out “no”. — And I _also_ have a present to make for Dave.

He walked out of the bar and started to walk towards Dirk so he could walk him to the door.

— Make? What're you making?

— It’s like… a mixtape. I don’t know. Didn’t feel really inspired this year.

Dirk smiled with the side of his mouth, looking down.

— That is pretty cool and meaningful.

It was him with his hands in the pockets of his coat and John in front of him with his hands in the pockets of his own pants. They were thinking about going to the door but it would ruin everything to leave now. Once Dirk left, both of them would be alone. That wasn’t something that they liked very much.

So they lingered a lot. It was comfortable by now. It was something they always seemed to do…

— Hey… Dirk. It’s your birthday too, man. Loosen up a little.

Dirk felt almost scared by his voice, so sudden.

— I will.

— Nah, you won’t.

— I definitely won’t.

John laughed, shaking his head no.

— Hey, before you go, can I tell you something?

— Should I sit down? — but despite it being a joke, Dirk really did sit down, as if it was all a way for him to stay a little longer. — Is this gonna rock my world?

— No, what the fuck, stop being a weirdo! — John replied while still laughing. — It’s just a dumb birthday thing I was gonna say. Since you mentioned the… eternity thing.

He sat down too, on the barstool closest to the other guy. As he positioned himself, his knee got pretty close to Dirk’s, as the chairs were really close together. And their legs almost touched.

— Alright. Say it then.

— Birthdays… kinda suck?

— They do?

— Yeah, they _really_ do.

John stared in the direction of the wall, making his knee move slightly closer to Dirk’s. Dirk noticed, and played it cool, feeling the small sudden touch of John’s leg against his own, a weaker touch than any other in the world. While he stared at the wall, Dirk could see the right side of his face so much better now, and the way his glasses stood on the top of his nose, and just a lot of details about his face.

But he looked back.

— But it shouldn’t matter, you know? Nothing should really matter anymore. But it’s just a particular day that’s hard to ignore.

And Dirk understood what he was trying to say. Of course they all could pretend the 13th of April never existed, act like it was just a blank day on their calendars. Of course everyone on Earth-C could just try to treat that day as just any other day, so that they could preserve John’s well-being without stirring up painful memories of his past. But that wouldn’t work. John would still think, and John would still know. And maybe it would be even worse without all the distractions. Maybe it would just be a disaster, and maybe it would all wreck John more and more.

But Dirk knew that it sucked either way. Even he felt emotions he hated on that exact day, let alone John, who was the reason for that day’s existence.

It fucking sucked.

— I don’t know. I know it's not a big deal.

— It's okay to make a big deal of things that aren't a big deal — and John laughed, not following the advice he had made himself. — You went through... a lot because of that day.

— Yeah, I did. We all did — he replied. — Sometimes I think like… why me? Why was _I_ chosen to be the main one, the leader? Why was it _me_? Couldn’t it have been anyone else?

Dirk nodded, listening.

— I don’t know, I just don’t get it, sometimes. Our lives just don’t sound real. They sound like a made-up story. This is not something that happens in real life, you know? — he sighed. — Maybe it is even a dream. And maybe nothing is real. Who knows?

There were times when would lie down and come to the conclusion that nothing, absolutely nothing, could be real, and that he could just throw himself out of the window and nothing would change. Existence didn’t really make sense in his head, which was a dangerous train of thought that his therapist was aware of. She was also aware that his head, to him, was “just a piece of black”, and that whenever he wouldn’t pay attention enough, his thoughts were eaten by the disgusting monster that he felt was in there somewhere. It felt strange to tell Dirk about some things that he only would talk to his therapist about, but he did it anyway.

— Maybe it really is, John.

Dirk didn’t even try to give John an answer that wouldn’t be dangerous for him. He was so tense that he didn’t even think about what a sentence like that could do to a head. But John smiled. He knew it was alright. He didn’t feel bad at that moment.

— You ever feel the same?

Dirk didn’t reply, but the look in his eyes showed that no matter what the answer was, he understood John. It was a strange feeling, to just _know_ , but they both did.

— Sometimes I think you’re the only one who gets it… 

— Maybe I am.

And John giggled.

— Are _you_ real? — he asked, wanting to make sure.

— Sure hope I wasn’t sometimes — and John laughed in response. Dirk nodded. — But nah, I’m real. Maybe too real.

— Too real? — John asked with frowned eyebrows. — Damn.

— Yeah.

— Everyone’s so sad, huh? — John asked. — Everyone’s so sad but it’s still so hard to admit how empty I fucking am.

— And did you ever try telling anyone else about this? — Dirk asked.

John rose one of his eyebrows up.

— Well. I guess I’ve told Rose a few of it…

— That's good — John nodded. — I mean, therapy is not really the same as communication. Or so she says.

John chuckled.

— Does communication even fucking exist when your head just won’t stop wanting to disappear? — and Dirk nodded, not sure what to say, still processing that he was worthy of hearing all that.

He nodded. He nodded twice, trying to find the words.

— You're gonna be fine.

But he lied, he wasn’t really sure. Dirk didn’t exactly understand how it all worked. He couldn’t promise recovery to anybody.

And John winked at him, smiling. That beautiful smile with his lips shut together…

— You sure? — he asked, jokingly.

— Think so.

And so they started thinking again. The monologues inside Dirk’s strange head were working normally, with John’s breathing noises as background music. John thought a little slower, focusing more on what was currently happening, and on what he would say next.

He eventually decided that the silence had gone on for too long, so he needed to speak. The fact that it was dark outside the window made the silence ever slower and longer. 

— Well. Anyway — he started impulsively. Dirk looked at him. Their eyes crossed paths for a moment but John looked at his phone a second later, continuing to speak. — Hm… how are you?

And he immediately regretted the question, knowing it was so fucking stupid. Dirk had to hold back a snort, he couldn't laugh at John's nervousness. His head very quickly panicked, because apart from being hilarious, that really was the hardest question John could have chosen. Thankfully he was smart enough to know what to respond. “Eh, I’m good. Pretty average”, he'd say. But John decided to change the question altogether, acknowledging how bad it was.

— Wait, forget that question, I have a much better one — and Dirk smirked, glad that he did.

And so John breathed in.

— Did you really need this much urgent help with Dave’s present? Like, tonight?

— What do you mean? — Dirk said. John’s face started slightly heating up, as he thought “hey, what the fuck?” but it didn’t matter. Nothing did. The way Dirk would turn his eyes to John’s lips sometimes during conversations just made it easier for him to allow that thought to win. And it won, it just won.

“Am I gonna do this?”, his head asked while his body was like “what the fuck, just say it already”.

— Did you really stay just to get help with Dave’s present?

— I… 

Dirk forced a confused expression, eyebrows frowned.

— 'Don’t know what you mean.

— Or did you just want an excuse to spend time with me?

And Dirk’s heartbeat went up like a fucking motor. His face _thankfully_ didn’t blush but he could feel it start burning hot. And when physical reactions happened so abruptly, it was very hard not to think about them. John smiled in a way that translated into a wink, but also stupidly nervous.

It didn’t take long for Dirk to find an answer, because he was apparently good at conversing on that night. The time that it did take was like torture to John. Why the fuck had he said it? Why had he just decided to follow that one thought?

He wondered that for a short minute, but he really couldn’t give less of a shit. 

— Oh.

And Dirk really wondered if that was real. Maybe it was a dream, like John said. But like, a literal dream.

— So you know.

— Well… I only know what I assumed but I couldn’t really be sure. Seems like you confirmed it now — John answered, a little smile on the left side, as Dirk looked down and seemed angry with himself. — But I never knew how to bring it up, or _if_ I could bring it up.

— Fuck. Yeah. Same — Dirk wanted to explode. — I understand.

John noticed that Dirk didn’t look that amused. He put his hands on the table from the side of the bar he was at, and stared at the man in an awkward manner, doing his best to look normal, and also, to not stare too much.

— You’re kinda hard to read, Dirk.

— I sure am — Dirk looked up, smiling ironically.

— But hey, fuck it. I’m glad I told you.

And Dirk was glad too. At least he didn’t have to hide it anymore.

— Well. I’m sorry. This must be super weird and creepy for a straight guy to know — Dirk said, with the most sarcastic tone he knew how to use. John laughed, but he didn’t know what about. — But the heart wants what it wants, huh.

— Yeah, it really does — he answered, Dirk smiling down at the table where his phone stood. — But hey. I don’t even know if I _am_.

Dirk asked:

— Are what?

— Straight.

— Oh. Okay.

"Really?" was what he wanted to ask. But it seemed rude.

— Yeah, shocker.

Dirk nodded. He wasn't sure what to do, or how to react. John maybe was straight? That was something that could make his heartbeat go up, more and more.

— I mean, how can I know for sure? — John joked, arms up. — I was so young when my life "drastically changed". Didn't have to think too much about myself

— Yeah, that makes sense — but all Dirk could do inside was panic.

— The years I spent on the ship, fucking useless. All I did was waste time with Jade and think about my dad and just...

Dirk listened carefully.

— I don't know much about myself, really. I'm trying to just go along with it now — he smiled. Dirk nodded one more time, smirking. He sighed, John staring at the wall.

— Well. There’s a lot of stuff to figure out.

— Yeah, there is. And I’m not the best at that.

Dirk breathed through his nose, to which John turned around in confusion, eyebrows together.

— What?

— Just making fun of you — Dirk said, smiling. — I mean, sorry for all the important stuff, but...

John nodded, still waiting.

— It’s just funny that you’re questioning your _sexuality_ now, after all of those things that happened to everyone. Fucking unexpected. Such a dumb, small topic.

— Oh yeah — and John laughed, sarcastically. — This was the fucking _last_ thing that I expected would happen. It’s not really that big of a deal, right?

But for Dirk, it was. He was glad anyway, glad to hear about John. It was good to know that he trusted him. He did know, though, that John was just really lost. He knew, he was very aware, that everything John was saying was just a result of his own confusions over _why_ he felt like the world was hopeless, and why he suddenly could not go back to the life he had taken away from him.

Dirk only thought that thought so that he could punish himself for the feeling - that he was trying to ignore - that started happening inside his stomach. The moment that John mentioned anything that could give Dirk any piece of hope, his body just reacted instantly. But he knew it was wrong. “Don’t think about this, you fucking dick. He’s probably not actually into guys, he’s just miserable”.

But what could he do?

— Well, despite all of that. I’m sorry I never told you, then. Or whatever — Dirk spoke, looking to the side and doing his best to show John that, well, he didn’t really give a shit. — Still. Having someone be into you like this must still be creepy, no matter what you are. 

— You’re into me?

And now, Dirk knew that his face was on fire again. He widened his eyes.

— I- What…? Wasn’t that…

— It's a joke, it's a joke! — John laughed as if Dirk’s reaction was the funniest thing he had seen in a while. — God, I’m sorry, Dirk. I’m joking!

He chuckled those last words out, still laughing, watching as Dirk covered his own mouth with his hands, not knowing whether to laugh with him or hit him in the face.

— _God_ … Don’t… Never do that again. Please.

— I’m sorry, I’m sorry! A prankster master can’t control himself sometimes — John finished, still laughing. — It’s ok, Dirk. It’s not like I’ve never thought about it.

— Yeah?

 _God_.

— I mean, it’d be kinda strange… — he stared up.

— But?

— But yeah — John looked. — I've thought about it. About you.

And so Dirk started being more and more aware of where he was positioning his hands, because he felt watched by John now. Their legs were doing it again, they were slightly touching, in a way that would be normal in every other kind of situation,

but was too distracting now.

— Quite a lot, actually. It surprised me at first, and I thought it was just a random thought. And back then, it probably really was — Dirk nodded. — It wasn’t until a lot later, that things started to… move more in my head.

“Move?” Dirk would ask, if he didn’t know exactly what John meant.

— And I wasn’t sure, but I started being more sure with time. That you liked me, that is.

— That intuition was right, sir — Dirk said. — Or your observation, doesn’t matter.

— Exactly. Doesn’t matter.

He smiled.

— But I didn’t want to just come out and say it, you know? I know we’ve been friends for years but just… it was too…

— It’s alright. I get it. It was too much.

— Yeah, that’s a great way to put it.

Dirk nodded, looking down, and then directly at John.

— Well. I’m glad you know. I thought I was hiding it well but, you know. Who gives a fuck.

— I definitely don’t give a fuck — they chuckled. — Not about you I mean, but like. You know.

— Who cares, John.

— Who cares indeed. Right?

John noticed he started smiling really hard, despite the situation being rather overwhelming. It had been a while since he had felt that range of emotions in such a short amount of time. Holy _shit_ did Dirk make his body feel.

— Alright then — Dirk said. — What do you want me to do?

— What do you mean? — John asked.

— I mean. How can I help you?

— Hm, that sounded kinda hot — Dirk smiled softly, deciding not to freak out. — But hey. It’s not like I’m just gonna ask you for “experimenting” or anything like that...

— Well. Why not? It’s cool — Dirk answered, knowing the possible consequences of his actions.

John, still smiling, raised his eyebrows.

— John. We're Gods. Are you really overthinking this? Should rules of what's weird and what isn't matter right now?

John stared up as if he was thinking about it and that just made him _so pretty_ and _so fucking stupid_ and Dirk just wanted to hurry up and click a button where he could say all of that shit without actually having to say it. He just wanted to kiss John.

— What do you mean?

— Look at us, we're sitting on your kitchen bar, just thinking about ourselves and each other — John lengthened his smile. — What we do here isn't gonna affect the world.

— Well, I know that — he joked. — I just don't want to... I don't know. 

— We're immortal, and we have no idea if in ten thousand years we’re just like, gonna snap, go insane, we don’t really know how human minds grasp the existence of immortality, do we? It’s not like any other humans have actually lived forever. Really think we can make it?

And Dirk regretted what he said because his mind instantly said “ah, great, now he’s gonna overthink this shit too, and I just ruined another part of his depressive brain with all the ramifications in this”, but John was confused. He couldn’t tell if he was too scared to even contemplate the perpetuation of his existence, or if he really was too blind to grasp reality. He actively tried to hold his mind awake during Dirk’s sentences, because it kept trying to drift away.

He noticed he wasn’t making any eye contact anymore but it was alright, because Dirk wouldn’t either. John forgave himself for that, because he also knew his head had never been the best at staying alert. He blinked hardly before answering, pulling his consciousness back in a confused yet amused way. Dirk looked back at him and heard his one-word slow response.

— Wow.

— Yeah, it’s stupid — Dirk said, brushing everything off. Wow, it really seemed like he was saying all that just to get some kisses from his crush. He knew that wasn't his objective but _still_ thought really hard about how pathetic that was. — It’s just shit that goes through my head sometimes. Or, all the time. I don’t know. Just really gives me that selfish conclusion…

And John waited for it.

— Nothing _actually_ matters.

He chuckled, and Dirk had a fear he meant something like “you’re so fucking depressed that it’s funny”, but he knew it was an intrusive thought and it didn’t exactly matter. But Dirk found another excuse to mock himself, “why are you analyzing him like a machine would do?”

 _FUCK_ , he wanted to yell at his head.

— Yeah, it _is_ a hopeless thought — Dirk said out loud. — Nihilism really is just analytical pessimism after all. And I’ve gone past the point of ever coming back, so don’t even try.

— No, no. I mean it, like, wow. It’s definitely a lot — John smiled, nodding and turning his face back to Dirk. — But it’s… nice to know, it really is! We really... should talk about this stuff more. You have a lot to say.

— Yeah, and I know you do too — and John chuckled again, with eye contact this time. — We really should.

— You don’t actually want to talk about it, do you?

— Nah, and I know you don’t want to talk about it either — John nodded, giggling. — I know you’ll think about it later. Or like, right now. Just...

— Change the subject.

— Please. Change the subject.

And Dirk forced a smile so it would be the two of them doing so. Dirk’s smile didn’t show any teeth, and he could feel his heart beat a little slower than before, probably due to the natural reactions of his impulsive brain. Whatever that meant, he didn’t seem to notice. John then decided to place a hand on Dirk’s knee, slowly.

— So like… our whole thing is existential talks when it comes to our obvious sexual attraction to each other? — he asked, hearing Dirk laugh nervously.

— That sounds like a pretty badass connection to me — and John agreed.

— Yeah, for sure — and he knew to introduce the lighter topic of the situation so they could just _get with it already_. — Then it’s like… alright if I kiss you because… nothing fucking matters?

— That’s exactly the spirit.

And Dirk, while nervous, still noticed: “wow, talking to John feels like walking on a windy day”. He knew it didn’t make any sense to anyone who hadn’t had a direct conversation with John Egbert, but it was still worth noticing.

— Plus, it’d be alright for me either way. I really am the perfect guy for curious guys to experiment on without getting attached to.

And John giggled, but it was more of an uncomfortable giggle than a “hey, that is true” one. There was just so much thinking between the two of them, and so much the other didn’t know. It was like a party was happening in both of their heads, and for the first time on that evening the thought came to Dirk’s head: “I’m going to kiss him”.

John knew that he would too.

— Come here.

With those words, John brought himself closer to Dirk’s face, hand still resting on his left knee. The two of them stopped smiling, only inches away now. After about two seconds, they both pushed their heads slightly forward and closed their eyes as their lips slowly touched for the first time.

“He feels so fucking warm,” Dirk thought. “What the fuck, he’s so warm”. But he was able to keep his cool. He started moving his lips along with John and decided to not even think about what was going on. John very quickly took his left hand impulsively towards Dirk’s nape, feeling the back of his hair. That movement instantly brought Dirk’s head even closer, and so he started placing both of his hands over his own leg, one on top of John’s, and the other on the top of just the jeans.

John felt so warm.

— Oops — John said during the kiss, against Dirk’s mouth, while fixing his right hand to get on top of Dirk’s thigh. Dirk giggled through the kiss and he would say “you’re stupid” in a flirty manner if he knew the words would feel as good against John’s mouth as his did against his own.

They moved together, and John knew he was feeling something, and when he realized that, yeah, he had been wanting to do this for a long time, it was already too obvious. He tried not to push Dirk back but kept a strength on the hand on his thigh just because it felt good there. Dirk took both arms to wrap them around John’s neck eventually, and they shared a passionate and silent kiss for about two minutes straight.

When they finally separated, Dirk had his hand resting on John’s hair and as he pulled back a little, he found a way to neutralize his expression. John chuckled, noticing he was forcing it, and thinking about what to say.

“Wow” would be an idea. And so he went:

— Wow.

— You like it? — to which John responded with a “yeah”. — Want more?

John hadn’t stopped staring at Dirk’s lips, so he just closed his eyes and leaned forward again. Dirk closed his own eyes and felt John place his hands on his waist and pull on it slowly. Since they were both sitting down, Dirk understood that John just wanted to make him stand up. He stood, and John pulled him closer and towards a place where he could comfortably open his legs a little wider so Dirk could get closer. Dirk maintained his right hand on John’s hair but took his left one to stroke his face, which was slightly lower now due to him being sat down. Their tongues touched and they kissed with John’s back against that counter, hormones yelling as if they were two young teenagers, but with the maturity of the first real adult kiss of their lives.

— Yeah, I don’t think I’m straight — John said, going in and out of the kiss. — I don’t think I’d like this so much if I was.

And Dirk didn’t give a shit, he didn’t want to listen to that. He just wanted John to keep kissing him and didn’t want it to stop. 

— But I don’t know what I am. Does it matter? I don’t know, I just wanna kiss you.

— Then keep kissing me.

And he did. John’s tongue was just being attacked by Dirk, who was so overwhelmed with the taste of John’s top lip. Their chests started touching and Dirk thought “fuck, fuck, fuck, he’s so much warmer like this, his hands are so fucking warm”, and they were grabbing Dirk’s hips with so much strength that he didn’t even seem to realize his warm fingers that were slightly touching under his own shirt, near his waist.

Dirk waited for John to stand up so he could do the same. He placed his hands on top of his chest, letting his fingers travel down slowly, waiting for approval. As John chuckled, clearly enjoying it, Dirk thought it would be okay to grab the bottom of his shirt and pull it off completely.

Noticing he was now shirtless, John threw an “oops” expression towards Dirk, who chuckled and closed his eyes again, happily continuing the kiss. John took his own shirt away from Dirk’s hand and put it behind him on the counter while still in the kiss, and like he was pulling Dirk close with the force of breath, he felt his body get closer and closer, like Dirk was falling onto his torso.

And they kissed for the next five minutes, with John’s bare chest extremely pressed against Dirk. Dirk bit his bottom lip and separated the last kiss.

— Fuck, John.

— Wanna keep going?

— Yeah.

They kissed once more.

— Wanna go to my room? — Dirk’s heart beat with that sentence, as he made noises against John’s lips. — Don’t know how much you’re up to, but I’m cool with not stopping.

— I wanna go all the way. I mean it.

They quickly walked up the stairs, John guiding Dirk to his bedroom door, opening and entering it with him, only to be pushed towards the now closed door, going back to his lips so they could continue the kiss. John liked the feeling of his bare back against the cold door because it was the only thing that was cold about the whole situation. He kissed Dirk all over his tongue in that stable position for about a minute before he placed his hand on his chest and started pulling him away.

Dirk opened his eyes in confusion, and took his hands away from John’s sides.

— I’m just pushing you towards the bed.

Those words clicked on Dirk’s head like an “oh.” and he hoped John couldn’t see how much hearing that did to him.

Even though it was probably too late.

He felt himself be pushed backward towards John’s bed and just completely gave in to his touch as he sat on the edge of it. John went back to kissing him, hand on his neck, and Dirk let his own hands touch John’s waist again. John then separated their lips, pushing Dirk down against the mattress, and seeing him lie down with another look on his face and his mouth slightly open. John stared at Dirk’s lips as his hand touched his chest and the other one touched the bed.

— More forward than I would’ve thought, John Egbert — Dirk decided to say, feeling John press him down even more against the bed.

John didn’t even give a fuck about looking anywhere else. He just loved seeing the movement of Dirk’s lips as he touched his covered chest and pressed down on it in a way that just told him “just shut up and stay there”. He also didn’t give a fuck about how forward they were being. And he was sure that Dirk didn’t as well.

It was just so hot how he looked helpless on his bed like that. How he just looked like there was so much inside his head, and not thoughts like usual, but thoughts about John. Thoughts about John doing things to him and whispering in his ear and thoughts _of_ John. Dirk absolutely _was_ thinking about all that, and so it was hard for him to hide the slow growth inside his pants, a little too close to John’s knees as he knelt on the bed, being on top of him.

— Really thought I’d be less forward than this?

— I don’t know. I learn something new about you everyday…

The way John looked at him while smiling made him just want to say “take my shirt off and kiss my whole body. Or don’t even bother taking it off. Just fuck me with my clothes on and then leave me to sleep on your bed”.

But John wouldn’t do that yet. 

— John… — he whimpered against the man’s mouth, not giving a _fuck_ whether he was sounding too desperate or not. He wanted him so bad. _Shit._

John pulled the kiss away, smiling at him.

— What do you want?

— What do you think?

John laughed, adjusting himself on the bed so he would perfectly stay on top of Dirk. He leaned down enough for their hips to touch, so they could feel each other’s hardness through the layers of clothing. Dirk felt his body heat up even more, as he realized that there was absolutely _no way_ that John hadn’t thought about doing that before. It was clear that he had already fantasized about kissing Dirk’s lips in that way before. It was clear that he had already imagined pressing his body down with so much force, against his own bed.

The fact that John had probably dreamed about touching him before drove Dirk _crazy_.

He let out a weak moan when he felt John against him, and instinctively closed his eyes for a moment. John smiled, taking his left hand to Dirk’s forehead and pulling some strands of hair away from his beautiful eyes.

— You look hot like this — John said with a smile, and “yeah, you too” Dirk would say, if he was able to say anything without having to whimper pathetically beforehand. Barely noticing his reaction, John threw himself onto Dirk’s neck and started softly kissing and sucking on it. — I wanna kiss you everywhere…

“So do… Fuck! Do it”. John moved in a way that was so, but so slow, and Dirk loved it. He loved waiting. He loved feeling like John would take ages to finish a kiss, like he would only touch him after long minutes of leaving him untouched. He loved how John was just so gradual in the way in which he moved, because he wanted to take his time, and didn’t care whether Dirk would approve of it or not. He knew he wanted to slowly build up, he knew he wanted to kiss his neck gently, before he could start to bite on it harder and harder.

Eventually, that pace would become _torture_ for Dirk. But for now, it was just slightly painful but extremely arousing. John was just so fucking good. Dirk whined in reaction to their crotches pressing against one another, and John stared at his face, wanting him to moan more. “John…” Dirk said with his eyes closed, not even knowing how John was staring at him.

— Yeah? — he asked.

— Can you hurry up just _one_ bit?

John smiled, and Dirk closed his eyes again. John placed his left hand close to Dirk’s neck, and went straight to kiss it again.

— Nah — he whispered.

And so he laughed in reaction to Dirk’s whimper, and later fucked him all over his bed in the slowest and most torturing way possible. After he arrived home, Dirk could feel his jaw hurt a tiny bit but it wasn’t that big of an issue to him. He just wanted to be back at John’s house, and do it all over again.

Although it was very late at night, the front door to Dirk and Jake’s house was still unlocked When he entered the house, still thinking about the way John’s hands felt, he saw his housemate sleeping on the couch for some goddamn reason. He walked away, and didn’t even bother to go eat anything or drink any water before going up to his bedroom.

As he lay down on his bed, he just missed being on John’s so much. He wanted to go back to his house and have sex with him again, kiss him again, and just be pressed against the bed, feel John inside him, he didn’t care, he just wanted to feel his body again. He was glad, however, with how everything had ended, with the way that they lingered in bed for an hour before John just decided to give out and sleep. Dirk had obviously considered saying “fuck it” and sleeping there with him, but he was able to fight his head and finally get up and go home.

Dirk didn’t send John a good night message or anything because that would be difficult and stupid, but he did miss him a lot.

He slept through the whole morning and his lips got slightly less red with time. When he woke up in the middle of the afternoon, he saw the two short messages John had sent him, that read “did i sleep suddenly? knew this would happen hahahaha.” and “you awake? it was nice. the stuff we talked about before i slept was nice too. wish i hadn’t just given out in the middle of it :)”

Dirk replied, not realizing he had smiled while thinking about him, and just thought “what the fuck do we do now?"


	2. Deuxième

After a week from their first kiss ever, John joked to Dirk that he wasn’t really “experimenting” anymore. Dirk laughed, saying “yeah. I’d be suspicious by now”.

It was strange that nobody in their lives knew that they were always together. Always hanging out, always in contact. Not even Dave, who was the closest to them, knew a thing or two about it. So exactly two weeks into the whole “relationship” thing, Dirk was ready to suggest the idea of telling him.

John agreed, of course, Dave needed to be the first to know. He had also heard about all the thoughts Dirk had about hurting his brother, and knew they were going to keep growing bigger and bigger and eventually explode his head.

And that's the reason he suggested the idea of he _himself_ being the one to tell Dave. That took a heavy weight off Dirk’s shoulders instantly. So then the plan was made.

Their casual night hookups started becoming more frequent, and Dirk was starting to get really good at leaving his house without raising any suspicion from Jake. It came the time when they stopped happening only in the evenings, and John would start asking for more and more time with him. Sometimes, if he woke up really early and knew that Dirk was still awake from the night before, he’d invite him over. Dirk would obviously accept and fall asleep on his bed while feeling the coldness of the air conditioner get mixed with the warmth of John’s skin.

That was one of those mornings. Dirk had woken up at John’s house, and it was near noon already. They were together in the living room, when Dirk said:

— I think I need to tell Jake.

John blinked his eyes, confused, but understanding right away. He remembered the conversation they had had about “telling Dave” and all that.

— Oh. About us? — Dirk nodded, not breaking eye contact. — Well, that’s a… 

Dirk waited.

— That’s a good idea. Right?

— You’re asking me? — he moved his hand nervously and tried to grab John’s.

They had been sitting on John’s couch while trying very stupidly to build a really easy set that Jade needed help with. Dirk was just looking, unable to help, because John insisted that “he could do it by himself, he was good at this kind of stuff”.

John looked down in the direction of the… thing that Jade had given him, and using the hand that Dirk wasn’t holding, he tried to insert one of the pieces into another. He failed, and the set fell to the pillow of the couch again.

— Fuck! — he yelled in frustration. — Wait, where were we? Oh right, well, yeah. I’m asking you. You’re the one who said it would be strange, aren't you?

— Am I? — he looked down. — God, John, just let me help you with this thing.

— Ok, ugh, it’s so HARD.

— It’s alright. I can help — and he leaned down to grab the pieces that had fallen on the floor. John, just in front of him and the set, put his arms back on top of his legs and let go of the set.

— Anyway. I think you said something about him being angry about... like, the whole thing.

— The whole “us” thing?

— Yeah, probably — and he smiled. — I know it can be awkward, considering he and you…

— No.

— Used to…

— No — Dirk interrupted. — Stop. It’s ok.

— Alright — but it’s not like John had stopped thinking about it. — I just… I know it’s a very tangled situation right now.

Dirk successfully combined one of the correct pieces of the set, and John made a surprised and angry expression.

— Just… don’t feel pressured to do anything, ok? I’m not gonna mind the wait, Jake’s not gonna mind the wait, so why bother now? Forgot that nothing really matters anymore?

— Yeah, but anxiety stays — Dirk said. — And coming here, never telling him, it does make me feel… sort of guilty.

John and Dirk had discussed guilt before. The first time they did it as a duo was on the night of Dave and Dirk’s birthday, as John brought up the gift situation one more time. Dirk explained a tiny bit about his own guilt towards Dave, which seemed to be built up on top of a lot of details that John would never be able to grasp, mixed with a lot of ideas about selfishness and human nature. John wasn’t so sure about how the situation with Jake could cause Dirk any guilt, but it wasn’t like he knew anything about them at all. 

John did think a lot though. He thought a lot about how he would never really be able to treat Jake as the person, the _father_ , he deserved to be treated as. He didn’t know if it could count as “guilt”, but he did feel something different whenever he saw his sister be able to bond easily with that guy, while he could only feel the grief about someone else whenever he was around. It wasn’t like the existence of Jake was a trigger of itself, but if John wasn’t careful, he could connect thoughts that didn’t need to be connected, and he could remember situations that weren’t really pleasant to his life

And he could have unwanted memories of a person that he had loved and lost.

— It’s complicated — John said, so he could buy more time for himself to think.

He remembered his father’s face.

It used to be so different, back then. He used to be so average and there was obviously a lot of shit he didn’t use to realize, that made more sense now, but still.

It didn’t feel real anymore.

“Stop. Head, please. I just. It’s alright”.

But it wasn’t. Inside, it wasn’t. But that wasn't what mattered now, Dirk was waiting for an answer.

— So?

— So what? — he was able to return completely. — Well. It’s your choice, Dirk. You know him way better than I do.

Dirk blinked, and then he looked at John, and then back down at the set he was building.

— Yeah. I just wanna know — he said. — If you’re cool with it.

And John realized. “Oh”, he thought.

— I mean… yeah? I think so? I don’t know, I’m pretty lost right now…

— It’s alright, I know you are — Dirk responded. — And it’s stupid of me, I know. I’m getting sidetracked from the whole plan of the thing. I know we’re here just following our needs and what we like about each other and that it’s not like, _serious_ and shit like that, I know all that…

— I think I know what you mean — and Dirk nodded. — But still… two weeks is a long time to hold something from Jake.

— Yeah — Dirk replied. — Just… with you and him being so…

— Similar?

Dirk froze.

— You’re not similar, no — he said, quickly. — I mean, you are, obviously, being related, but. You know? You’re not… like…

— I think I get it — he giggled.

— You two are close. You’re family — and John agreed with his head. — He talks about you and asks about you in a way that just…

And John waited for the rest, because he had no idea what he and Jake were like in their own friendship. Dirk let go of the set and covered his face with his hands. John smiled, bringing his own hands towards him and caressing his hair.

— It’s alright.

Dirk didn’t look at him.

— I’d ask you to think more about it before our date but I know you’ve thought about it too much already — he smiled. — We can talk about it if you want.

And John leaned to the side, grabbing his glass of water from the table. Dirk stared at him, taking his hands away from his face, and John, while drinking, looked.

He was so beautiful.

— Our date?

— Yeah, our date tonight — he nodded. — Oh shit. Did I forget to ask you on our date?

Dirk laughed out of his nose, immediately looking down at the set again, and feeling his face burn a tiny bit while thinking “wow, shit, that’s fucking stupid, but also fucking cute”.

— I can’t believe this, I really did — John laughed one more time. — Well, that wasn’t smooth at all, was it?

— It definitely wasn't.

— But you’re smiling, so... I guess it worked? What do you say?

Before completely finishing to build the set, Dirk turned to John to say:

— Of course.

— I swear your hands are magic. How the fuck did you build that?

— You’re just too impatient.

* * *

As he prepared for the date, Dirk considered everything again. He thought it all over, and started planning his confession in a way that benefited his impulse on letting Jake know the bare basics of what was going on in his life. Jake wouldn’t freak out. Dirk knew that he wouldn’t.

But what the _fuck_ would he think?

After a long period of time under the shower, he stared at himself in the mirror, deciding to go through with it. He put on a red sleeveless shirt, the first pair of pants he found, and tied his sneakers before going down the stairs.

It was fucking time.

Dirk heard Jake’s voice as soon as his foot touched the last step of the stairs. He turned to him, seeing him smile like he usually did, and nodded towards him.

— Ahoy, Dirk!

— Hey, Jake.

His voice was enthusiastic and low as usual. Dirk was so used to hearing his best friend’s voice.

— Great timing, bro! Want to show you something.

Dirk followed Jake’s voice, knowing that he would screw shit up in less than a minute. He guessed he was used to that.

He entered the room Jake was in, which was a failed attempt on a kitchen. Dirk and Jake both weren’t guys who had been brought up with a nice average kitchen, so theirs was just a strange room with a large table which was almost always covered by electronic gadgets or weapons. Jake pointed at that table.

— I figured it out — he said, smiling. Dirk understood exactly what he meant, and his eyes widened with surprise.

— Wait. What? You mean… — he pointed. Jake nodded with his big teeth showing. — Yo, Jake! That’s super cool, what the fuck! H- How?

Jake kept on smiling, and then he explained to Dirk, in a very singular way of his, how he was able to find the last equation to finish their new construction, or something of the sorts. Dirk was so surprised at that one apparently impossible project being solved that he almost forced himself to forget about everything else.

— That’s so fucking smart, Jake! I can’t believe we couldn’t find it — he exclaimed, receiving an “uhum!” from Jake. — Fucking genius, this is gonna be fucking genius!

And so Jake celebrated, and brought Dirk into a hug. Dirk hugged back.

— We can finish it tomorrow. I’m really tired right now.

— Yeah, understandable. How long did you spend on this today?

— More than I’d like to admit, buddy! More than I’d like to admit.

Jake grabbed a can from the table which seemed to contain some sort of strange soda. He chugged it, still happy, and turned around to walk towards the fridge.

— You alright with us continuing it tomorrow? We can do it today if you want.

— Nah — Dirk replied. — It’s alright.

— Then I’ll see you in the morning, chum!

With a continuation of his smiles, Jake closed the fridge door, having put the can inside of it, and walked towards the door that was on Dirk’s side. “Good night!” Dirk heard, knowing he had already given up on telling him.

— Good night.

And so he did. Dirk gave up, he couldn’t fucking do it.

He received a message from John, a few moments later, saying that he was almost there to pick him up. Dirk knew it was the perfect moment to think “oh fuck, good. At least I’m gonna see him soon”, but his head insisted that it would be torture to see John after having directly ignored the chance to be true to his best friend.

He didn’t complain either way. He couldn’t cancel John’s date just to lie down in bed and overthink by himself. Not again.

And so he opened the door.

— Hey, hot stuff.

— Hey, John — and it was half an hour later, outside of Dirk and Jake’s house. John Egbert was standing there, with beautiful wet hair falling near his eyes, a black shirt, and hands in the pockets of his pants. Dirk looked him in the eyes and smiled, shaking his head “no”. John looked so stupidly handsome.

He waited for Dirk to close the door behind him, and shot a smile at him, nodding.

— What? Do I look good?

Dirk wanted to kill him for being so good looking.

— Yeah — he said.

And so John smiled, extending his arm and asking for Dirk to hold his hand.

— Have any plans? — Dirk asked, feeling the soft skin of the other man’s skin against his own, fingers wrapping together like they had grown used to.

— For tonight? — John replied, starting to levitate off the ground. — Oh yeah. Wanna fly?

Dirk’s smile widened, teeth not showing. He said yes.

— Then come on — John kissed him quickly on the lips, before starting to rise a little higher on the ground.

Dirk wasn’t one for flying around much. As much as he knew it could be good or fun for stressful situations, he still wasn’t used to doing it that much. To be completely honest, Dirk loved walking. And he loved it when John walked him back home, or even when he walked alone in the direction of John’s, or Dave’s, or anyone’s house. At that moment, flying truly sounded more appealing. Dirk could not imagine something more freeing than having his body levitate next to John Egbert, feeling the wind brush against his hair as his heart beat faster and faster, and as his breathing got stranger with every single look John would give him, he could not think of something he wanted more than feeling John’s lips softly brush against his while not having a floor underneath him to hold him down. As he flew with John higher and higher, and away from the latitude of his house, he just wondered how dumb he was those two weeks ago, when he was considering never in his life pursuing his feelings for John.

If Dirk could go back in time, he would only force himself to tell John even sooner. At that moment, he didn’t give a fuck about everything he knew could go wrong. All he said was “screw it, this is incredible”, and he knew, on that night, that he loved flying with him.

John made his heart beat so fucking fast. John made him feel like a teenager again.

Or maybe it was just happiness.

— Hey! Hey, don’t go too near the city! — Dirk stopped to hear John’s voice, and looked at the boy gracefully flying. — They might see us if they look up!

Dirk stared down, seeing that they were on top of a bunch of houses near the Human Kingdom. If they flew closer to their left, they would be exactly on top of the town, lit up with street lights, looking beautiful at night.

One thing that made John’s eye color stand out was the shade of street lights. Dirk looked into them to check if the street lights were strong enough to reflex on John’s face, and they were. He smiled when he noticed it, grabbing John’s hand, and pulling him closer.

— Hey, what’s up? — John questioned, frowning his eyebrows but with a big smile on the middle of his face.

— Nothing — replied Dirk, smiling.

John noticed Dirk’s teeth were showing, and his sincere smile was the most beautiful thing he had seen in forever.

He noticed how fucking sick it was that he had compressed those visions for so long. He obviously had looked at that smile before. He obviously had heard Dirk’s voice sound. He obviously had noticed at least half of the stuff he noticed today, except he really convinced himself to not even realize that he saw it, that he _saw_ Dirk. John felt so incredibly stupid, so unsure of what he might still have been lying to himself about, that he could barely focus on flying on that night.

Dirk’s hands now holding his were what brought him back to the feeling of “yes. This is real. This is absolutely, a thousand percent real”, even though he had no idea what that even meant.

— Aren’t you cold? Your hand is freezing…

— Yeah, I think I should’ve brought a jacket or something — John sighed, giggling. — It’s colder up here, though…

— Yeah, genius. That’s how it works — Dirk ironized. — Shouldn’t you be immune to the cold or something like that, being the God of wind, or- yeah, forget it, that’s just stupid.

John laughed while he felt Dirk’s hands rubbing against his own, in an attempt to make them slightly warmer.

He brought himself closer, and they stood on the night sky like a magic painting of two men who weren’t written to be in the same place, but who could not stray away from one another. There were no stars in the background and it was just the street lights lighting them up, shadowing them across the universe, as they weren’t seen by anyone but could be seen by everyone.

John had not felt that real in a long time. While it all looked like a scene straight from a dream, he felt like it was, a real image.

And Dirk looked so good in it. And he looked like there were so many words hidden behind his face. So many things to say.

John started with the first question.

— So, how was the Jake thing?

— Not well — Dirk rolled his eyes. — Couldn’t tell him.

— Why not?

— Um… I guess he was too happy? I don’t know. I chickened out. Couldn’t do it.

— Well… that’s alright, right? — he smiled. — You can tell him tomorrow.

— Yeah.

Dirk wasn’t exactly planning on telling Jake on the next day. He wondered what John would think of that.

— Or maybe… maybe later? I don’t know, it’s like… — he thought. — A lot of things…

So John realized he had maybe hurt Dirk with that question. He looked down at their hands that held one another and started to spin Dirk’s body with his own slowly, attempting to make him feel better.

He shouldn’t have asked about Jake. Apparently.

— What matters is we’re together now — and Dirk had to admit his heart reacted to that sentence more than he would have liked it to. — No matter how much random shit we’ll go through.

And they both laughed together. They shared a quick hug that was completely on the impulse of wanting to hide from each other, and then separated, smiling.

— Hey. Wanna restart this?

— Yeah, definitely!

So John stepped away, letting go of Dirk, and spun around once in the sky, like he was dancing with the wind. He acted as if he had seen Dirk for the first time on that evening, repeating acts as if they had not happened.

— Hey! Dirk Strider! Didn’t think I’d find you flying around here!

— Hi, John — Dirk was slightly more uncomfortable than John, smiling at him like he had never seen anything more adorable and stupid in his life. — God, you’re so fucking dumb.

— Hey, what’s this with the sudden swearing? — asked John, pretending to be surprised. — I just arrived here! This sky is more mine than it is yours, mister! And if you want to fight, I’ll be the one with the advantage here!

Dirk didn’t even think about laughing at John anymore. He just attacked his lips and kissed him and easily made him stop acting. John let his shoulders down, holding Dirk’s waist on impulse, and feeling his body be pulled back and held by their lack of gravity, while tasting Dirk’s mouth for the second time on that night.

That, also, was real. Just like the hard texture on Dirk’s hands, the soft texture on Dirk’s lips was also incredibly real.

And they kissed, while John laughed against Dirk’s mouth. And it was an absolutely beautiful scene.

— Wow, what was that for, mister? — he kept acting, after pulling only his face away. — What a sudden thing to do… You like me or something?

Dirk smiled.

— You’re so fucking stupid — he kissed him once more. — But so fucking enchanting. I have shit taste in guys, don’t I?

John laughed once more, pouting his lips and whispering “yeah, you do”.

They floated together for a little longer. Dirk and John couldn’t stop staring at each other’s eyes for long seconds. Dirk sometimes couldn’t help but get overwhelmed by the feeling of the wind whooshing against his body while he held hands as strong as John’s. His face would melt every time it felt like too much, and John would not notice and go straight for even one more kiss. The way John saw and read the smallest of details on Dirk’s beautiful neck, and everywhere else near his face, made him realize he was starting to get _really_ into the whole situation, in terms of his emotions.

The way Dirk’s smile shone brighter with the lights beneath him made John’s heart fucking jump. There was one moment during their flight in which John stood on top of Dirk as if they were lying down, just so he could feel the sight of his gorgeous expression with the background of life on his planet. They were way too high up for anyone to be able to see them. But there was a moment in which he wanted everyone to, just so they would know how fucking pretty Dirk was, and how much John wanted to hold him without even understanding why.

— Shit, I really like you.

Dirk could feel his heartbeat stay steady, but if his head’s reactions were in complete control, at that moment, it would go up and up. He felt his face be stroked by John’s left hand, and he covered it with his own. John waited for an answer that he didn’t even care if he’d receive.

— Is it redundant of me to say that I really like you too?

And it just looked so ridiculous, they were like two teenagers. John smiled, kissing Dirk’s lips again, and once again spinning with him, like they were two dumb pieces of firework. For one moment in that night, they were fucking happy and nothing else mattered. Dirk joked about how hot he probably looked under the night’s sky, and John rolled his eyes but agreed. They spoke about whatever the hell they wanted to speak about, and it all felt free. Dirk let John hold him completely once, allowing himself to weight as if he could not fly himself.

John wrapped his arms around Dirk in the most comfortable way possible, even if it was heavy for him in that way. Dirk buried his face on John’s neck, breathing, feeling, allowing himself to just _feel_.

— I could fall asleep in your arms.

— I really want to let you do that… 

— That’d be nice…

— No, don’t tempt me, Dirk — John smiled. — We can’t, we have to go home. You’ll catch a cold.

— Man… how unfair is it that we’re literal Gods… yet we can still catch a cold? — John giggled, stroking the back of Dirk’s head and still holding him close.

— I think I’ll have a talk with the universe creators to change that… oh, wait.

Dirk laughed softly against John’s skin, kissing his neck for a couple of minutes before stepping away.

They looked each other in the eyes, sinking down into the normal universe again. It got darker and darker with every moment, and they didn’t even realize they had their lips touching again. John smiled, and he laughed again too, and he accidentally bit Dirk’s tongue at one point, which made both of them giggle.

— We’re pretty close to the ground now.

— Ah, shit. That was nice though.

He smiled, glad that Dirk had enjoyed it.

— Then come here — John pulled Dirk’s hand, walking him toward the city. The two walked for a couple of minutes, taking a few turns to float in between, until they arrived at the city, which was mostly made up of two streets that intertwined with one another, and where a lot of the markets were set. Most of the beings who would spend their evenings there were not citizens of the troll or the human kingdom, but they all would recognize their Gods anyway.

As Dirk and John arrived at the first street market, they were greeted by a lot of waving hands, which they responded to, smiling and laughing at each other. John pulled Dirk’s hand again, raising their bodies again and making them fly through the city together. Dirk laughed at how stupidly fun that was, flying over the people and having to duck to avoid hitting their faces on others. They were all used to John flying over everyone’s head, so it wasn’t anything new for anyone. Dirk had never been invited to do so, though, and he realized John had already done that a thousand times before, mostly alone.

— Hi! Hey! Hey for you too! — he would keep repeating, looking at everyone who would recognize his flying body. Dirk looked at him smiling in front, and he couldn’t even pay enough attention to both the flight and his face, so he couldn’t wave at the people. — What’s up, bro, ice cream _again_?

John’s smile was so _bright_ , and Dirk didn’t give a fuck if it usually wasn’t real, because that time, he _knew_ it was. And he knew that smile was mostly for him, which was, as he would say, “pretty fucking cool”. It took them less than a minute to arrive at the end of the long yellow street, and take the very empty paths towards the human kingdom, where John lived. That had been a really fun, really sociable, shortcut, Dirk thought. He understood why John enjoyed it.

They arrived while still smiling. Dirk was laughing.

— Really cool, isn’t it? — John asked, setting his feet on the ground. Dirk nodded, and then shook his head.

— That was so weird — he smiled. — But yeah? It’s really cool. I thought at first they would be bothered, but they seemed really used to it?

— Oh yeah, I do that all the time — John laughed, grabbing his keys and opening the front door to his house. — And they’re super chill with it. Those guys are used to some constant fun.

— They seem to really like you — and Dirk noticed he still hadn’t landed on the ground. — Whoops.

John opened the door, entering his house. He went straight to his kitchen, because flying always left him really thirsty, and Dirk locked the door behind him.

— Can I enter with my shoes on? I always forget that.

— Yeah? Of course you can — John came back with a tall glass of water. — Wanna eat anything?

— No, thanks — he replied. — Dave makes me take my shoes off sometimes.

— He does? That’s pretty funny — Dirk nodded. — You sure you don’t want anything? Drunk any water today?

— I… have? 

— That doesn’t sound really convincing…

John laughed, and Dirk sighed, smiling.

— Ok, yeah, maybe I need some of that — and John agreed, walking towards him and giving him his own glass of water.

When he came back from the kitchen for the second time, Dirk was still standing in the middle of the room, still getting used to being on the floor after having floated for so long. He saw John walk close to him and place both of their glasses on top of one table, and his neck was quickly wrapped by John’s arms.

Dirk smirked, taking his own hands to John’s waist.

— We’re really good at this dating thing.

— We’re good at everything, John — but Dirk wondered what he meant. They weren't... dating, yet. Were they?

He would need more clarification on that later.

— Is there anything cool you wanna do?

John’s voice was low, almost raspy, and that made Dirk go insane inside. He thought about it for a minute, because there were a lot of “cool” things he wanted to and could do with John at that moment. After looking around both in the room and in his own head, he decided to suggest something.

— Play your piano for me?

— Okay. Anything specific?

— Not really. I just want to see you play — John nodded, still smiling while having his arms around Dirk’s neck. — Just anything.

— Alright.

John stepped away, breaking their embrace without even kissing Dirk - which was a normal, yet completely painful movement - and walking towards his piano near the staircase. It was a simple apartment piano, but Dirk had never seen one in his life before meeting Jane and John, so he was really fucking impressed with it. He followed him and watched as he sat down on the really skinny stool, and looked him in the eyes when he saw his head turn to him.

— Come here.

Attending to John’s request, Dirk sat down next to him. It was a really dumb scene because they _really_ couldn’t both fit on the piano chair. Dirk was thinking about whether he should or not sit on John’s lap, because even if he submitted himself to much worse during their more intimate times, it was also really ridiculous for a grown man like him to sit on top of his adult boyfriend while he played the instrument. But it also seemed pretty fucking hot.

There were too many thoughts that contradicted so he just stayed sitting close, with John looking at him to grin at how much they didn’t fit there, and then looking down at the piano, adjusting his hands.

Dirk stared at them, while John placed his fingers on top of some of the keys. He wasn’t even doing anything yet but Dirk was already feeling blown away.

— I’m thinking about what to play…

— How about… 

But Dirk didn’t have any ideas. He just wanted to look hot and smart for when John would turn to listen to him. Once he did, he could feel John’s smile, and his narrow eyes, and then finally, his kiss on his jaw. He waited for John to kiss again but he didn’t, he simply turned to the piano excitedly.

— No, it’s alright. I have an idea.

John started to play the keys, beginning a melody that Dirk thought he had never heard before. The song John chose was one of his favorite ones to play, and he hoped that Dirk would love listening to it as much as he liked hearing himself.

Dirk stared at John’s fingers, moving with his talent and his focused face. John had his jaw clenched while looking at the piano but he smiled as soon as he felt Dirk’s eyes walk over him. Dirk kept switching where he looked but spent most of his time baffled by how incredible John was at playing those notes that he wasn’t familiar with.

During the song, John decided to speak, which surprised Dirk a lot.

— And this part… — he spoke, while playing and playing. — Is my favorite.

— Yeah? — Dirk asked, feeling like a little kid. He was surprised to see someone playing an instrument so close to him, and speaking during it like it was just a natural instinct. — How old were you when you started playing?

— Hm… I think I was eight? — he guessed. — I’m not sure. My dad has always played with me.

Dirk smirked, thinking about John’s father that he had never met. Dirk thought he had probably been the most amazing of men, especially for having brought up someone like his son. He thought about him teaching his little child how to develop such a beautiful skill, and it made him satisfied knowing that John had had someone who loved him in that way. It made him glad to know that, at least for the first part of his life, John had felt someone’s true love and care, without any grips of sadness holding him back.

Dirk hadn’t even met the man but _fuck_ , even _he_ missed him. He giggled inside thinking of how sweet and strange that one thought was, and John was close to finishing playing his song. Once he did, he turned to Dirk and nodded.

— Thinking about…?

— Your dad — Dirk replied, not even thinking of the consequences. John smiled, though he was surprised.

— Oh. Really? Sorry — he said, not making any sense outside of his own brain. — The old man is always gonna be an issue for everyone, I guess.

As John finished that one sentence, he turned back to the piano and started moving keys again. It seemed more random now - though still beautiful - so it was clear that he did that a lot when he was alone.

— He sounds amazing — Dirk said, and _fuck_ , it was so strange for them to be talking about someone who wasn’t even there anymore, about someone who didn’t even fit the narrative anymore, but it just seemed so, right?

He just seemed to be there sometimes. Sometimes it felt like he had never really left.

— He was — John exclaimed, because he was tired of sounding depressing whenever he talked about his father. “Dirk doesn’t deserve this”, he thought. — Taught me all about the cool stuff… even when he didn’t really mean to.

Dirk got the impulse to ask “do you regret anything about your relationship with him?”, but that would be so fucking evil. It just had to be an intrusive thought, it couldn’t be his actual mind. He shook that off quickly, begging for it to _please_ never come back, and as he wasn’t a disgusting piece of shit, he changed the question in his head _really_ fast.

— Anything else he knew except the piano?

— Yeah! — John nodded, happy to be remembering his old man. — He knew how to cook, sew, paint… all of those really nice, really domestic stuff. It’s strange to think back on it, now, because I really wish he was still here. But there’s just this sense of, you know, a feeling? A feeling that he did everything just for me. If that makes sense.

And it did make sense. Knowing the universe, John’s father might had been created with the sole purpose of taking care of him, and giving him love. And it made Dirk happy - and curious - to know that John’s father literally used to live for him. Everything he ever did, was to maintain his child’s happiness and he did it in such a beautiful, special way.

It had to hurt. It hurt everyone knowing that a man like that was just gone, killed with so little mercy, taken away from them. Dirk knew John’s heart probably broke every single day thinking of the man who had both lived, and died for him, and although he didn’t know grief yet, he could sense it from John.

— He probably did — Dirk said, knowing he was right. — You know. I’m not saying I _know_ what the love of a father, a guardian is like. But the power of family is really fucking strong when it is. Isn’t it?

John nodded.

— Are you talking about Dave?

— Yeah — he replied. — There’s no one I love more than him.

“Even if that sounds selfish” he thought. He didn’t want to continue that conversation that showed John that he still had the person he loved around him. John didn’t have that love anymore so it was so incredibly cruel to just change the subject to talk about someone who was still there, still around.

Dirk sighed inside over how hard it was to have a conversation without his thoughts taking over and convincing him that everything was wrong. And it was so infuriating that he had no way to deny the thoughts, because they _made sense_.

— But what I mean — he exclaimed, trying to take control back before John went “fuck, nothing really matters anymore” in his head. — Is that yeah, your dad was a great person. You’re alive because of him.

John turned to the piano again, trying to make himself not look weird.

— And it doesn't have to be… a problem. It doesn’t have to be longing, and missing him because he’s not here anymore. I know it’s impossible to convince your head, because it’s a cruel existence, but what _matters_ is that he existed and made you happy. And he’s the reason you’re here with me today.

John smiled. He had never allowed the conversation to get too far, he never allowed Dirk to know every single thing. Maybe he was too scared of screwing his head up even more, or maybe he was too self-conscious about Dirk knowing he was just a miserable rest of person. John didn’t want to let Dirk in to _all_ his pessimistic existential thoughts, so he always policed himself.

— Yeah — he finished, not exactly wanting to continue speaking about that.

— Did he teach you that song?

— No — he smiled. — He taught me a few, but most of the ones I like to play are geeky ones from video games I like.

— That’s charming, for some reason — Dirk smirked, receiving a snort from John. — Was he a nerd too?

John laughed.

— Not that I know of, though he was very “adult”. Working a lot, talking about business. You know?

— Boring — John nodded, smiling. — But I’ll allow it 'cause he was a really cool guy too.

And the way Dirk’s leg started slowly bouncing was how they remembered they had been sitting on a stupidly small chair for a long time now. John looked down, enjoying that night, in its entirety. It felt real. It all did.

— I wonder if he’d like you — he joked.

— You think he would?

— I don’t know. I hope so.

— I hope so too.

But John didn’t continue speaking about the subject. He hoped that he’d someday feel comfortable enough to share more with Dirk.

— Did he like Dave? — Dirk asked, not knowing what to say anymore.

— Yeah! — John replied. — At least… I think so? I used to talk about him a lot. I don’t know, though. A lot of what I know about my dad is just vague assumptions.

— What do you mean?

— Doesn’t matter — he said, _absolutely_ not wanting to dwell on _that_ topic. — Hey, you wanna go out tomorrow too?

“It’s alright if you don’t want to talk about it” Dirk thought.

— I can’t, it’s Sunday — and John imitated a slow facepalm. — Have work to do.

— Oh yeah, I always forget. Monday then?

— Sure — Dirk smiled.

And they spent the rest of the night together, just saying dumb things, laughing, and making out one time or another. It was late at night when Dirk got a message from Jake, and he grabbed his phone to read it.

— One second — he interrupted their kiss, as he laid down on top of John on the couch. John maintained his hands on Dirk’s hips, dramatically sighting when he took his phone from the table.

— Betrayal — he joked, but Dirk didn’t react, and read the message on the screen. “Where are you? Up for some extra work tonight? Couldn’t really sleep thinking of the robot for tomorrow! Went to your room but you’re not there”.

— It’s Jake — Dirk said, moving his other hand to be able to type, and laying his chin near John’s chest because of it.

— Everything alright? — John questioned.

— Uhum — Dirk hummed, as he finished typing his message. He put his phone on top of the table again, looking at John and kissing him again.

— Are you going home? — and Dirk nodded with his mouth on John’s. — Aw, why? Is he okay?

Dirk frowned his eyebrows, nodding again. “Yeah. I just need to tell him already”.

— Are you… planning on telling him tonight?

— I should. Right?

John moved his shoulders, actually not being sure. He moved his right hand up to Dirk’s neck now, grabbing it close as they kissed against the warm couch that they were so used to making out on - like teenagers. He didn’t want Dirk to leave, not yet. But he couldn’t exactly interfere with his personal relationships, so maybe it would be better if he did.

— I’m just sad I won’t get to see you tomorrow — he frowned, and Dirk snorted in response. — But I don’t know. You don’t _have_ to do anything. You know that.

— Would it bother you if I told him tonight? — Dirk asked, wanting to hear his opinion. John shook his head no. — And what if I didn’t?

John considered the question.

— Not really, either — and Dirk nodded, hearing him while looking into his eyes and breaking contact once or twice. — I’m serious, Dirk. I _really_ can’t be the one to tell you what to do about this. You’re the one who knows more about Jake, and his relationship with you. If you know it’s the right thing, then it is the right thing.

And Dirk knew how smart and obvious that was. He just really, _really_ , didn’t want to have that conversation.

What were the fears? And why were there so many? Why did Dirk have to act on that _disgusting_ act of having a crush on someone like John? And why didn’t he regret it yet? It was just so fucking good, and warm, and he felt so happy and alive. It was so clear how much better it was with John.

— Well. Whatever you choose to do, it’ll be alright — Dirk’s heart jumped when John’s mouth moved with those words. — I promise. 

John smiled in a way that was so, but so beautiful. Dirk stared at his lips, feeling the wave of optimism that was being achieved with that smile. He shook his head, kissing John twice on the neck, slowly. He prepared to get up, not wanting to let go of his body, and definitely thinking of just asking John to come home with him.

— I have to go now — John nodded, knowing.

— I’ll see you on Monday.

Their lips touched for the last time on that weekend, as Dirk placed his knee in between John’s legs so he could get up from the couch. John quickly moved with him, adjusting his shirt as he got up. After being walked to the door, Dirk decided to ask:

— So… mister Cool Dates — he started, hearing John giggle and turn his head down. — Any other Cool Date ideas?

It made John happy to hear about Dirk making plans with him. It made him confused, too. He wasn’t expecting them to reach this high level, but now that they had, he felt good about it. It seemed to give his life meaning again, as if Dirk had been meant to be there all along.

He didn’t want to think about that for now, though. All he knew and accepted as truth was that the idea of having Dirk all over his future sounded _really_ incredible.

— I think I _may_ have given you a better idea of what I’m like at dates than what I really am like… — he said, with a giggle. — My ideas can be really simple.

— Well, simple can be good — and Dirk noticed once again how they just looked like two teenagers in love, with him standing on one side of the door, with John on the other while looking him in the eyes, hearts beating fast. — What're you thinking for next time?

John laughed, because he knew his next idea was really bland.

— Well, there’s something we haven’t done yet.

— What is it?

— A movie.

Dirk smiled. If he were to be honest, he would say that he hadn’t even _noticed_ that they hadn’t even watched a movie together yet.

Of course he wanted to.

— Sure, John — he replied. — A movie sounds great.

He thought about the two of them sitting together, with their hands touching, possibly on John’s couch, with a stupid movie playing on the television. As much as he usually couldn’t give a fuck about whatever piece of media there could exist, he was really looking forward to this one.

A movie really did sound great.

As Dirk walked home, he decided to fly for a part of the way… just because he felt like it. As he flew, he felt himself trying to calm his feelings down, and holy _shit_ did John turn something up inside his brain. He arrived home with so much glee near his heart that he had to take a moment before opening the door, just so he could calm himself down, so he would stop smiling, so he’d stop thinking about the movie date, or whatever it was going to be.

He wasn’t expecting John to message him goodnight, but when he read his “good luck good luck good luck <3” his heart almost stopped. “Why would you send that heart, John? Trying to keep me up all night thinking about you?” he typed, but not sending it straight away. He thought about it, reading John’s message over and over again, then looking up to read his name on the top of the chat, then at his profile picture, then at the message again… He was swooning so stupidly hard at something as simple as a small heart on a text message, thinking not about kissing John or touching him but only about being _held_ by him, and being loved in a gross romantic way that he seemed to crave so much.

The power John had over him was so strong already, it was a little terrifying. He was very curious about what the universe held for them, because if John seemed to matter that much already, then he wondered how much stronger it would be in the far future.

It seemed scary. But also pretty cool.

* * *

Dirk entered his house, finally. He saw the lights were turned on even though it was already very late, so he felt the obvious feeling that Jake could be anywhere, and that he could show up at any time. He went straight to the kitchen, and then to the office, but couldn’t find him anywhere. He decided to then walk up the stairs towards their bigger working space. The door was closed, but he could see a flash of light underneath it. He breathed in and opened the door.

Jake was right there, wearing his lab glasses on top of his normal ones, and a lab coat over his green clothes. When he heard Dirk, he looked up from the table, exclaiming:

— Hey! Glasses! Glasses! — Dirk’s heartbeat went up, and he quickly grabbed his lab glasses on the table to his right. He put them on.

— Holy fuck! — he yelled, walking towards the table, and hearing Jake laugh.

— I’m sorry, Dirk — Jake said while laughing loudly. — Should’ve warned you! Whoops!

— Fuck, we really need to start using a warning on the door or something. The amount of times that has happened…

— We do! Good idea, champ! — and smiling, Jake looked down again. Dirk went to see what he was working on. — I’m just working on some final touches on this thingy! It’ll be a really cool tool for us!

And he finished with a smile, as Dirk stared at the object trying to detect which one of their smaller projects it consisted of.

— That’s nice — he said, wanting to desperately get that evening over with.

He kept thinking of John and the message that he hadn’t sent yet, and of Jake knowing about the conversations he was having with John on his phone in his pocket.

Would he hate him now?

Dirk could not have Jake hate him. He just couldn’t.

— … but with the whole project thing, I really couldn’t! — and Dirk went “oh shit, he’s been talking for a while”. — I just had to get this shit done! You were at John’s house, you said?

Dirk nodded, almost forgetting that he had told Jake that information. His brain went stale.

— Yeah. Yeah, I was.

— What were you two up to? — he asked. “Fuck, fuck, fuck”.

— Uh… talking. Christmas stuff — he dared to answer.

— Oh right! Christmas is just around the corner, isn’t it? I always forget about it for some reason.

The way that Jake smiled was so fucking scary, because while it looked honest and clear, it could mean the complete opposite. It could mean that he had some really shitty things in his head, that Dirk couldn’t seem to read. It felt so chilling, so strange on that night. Dirk just thought “shit, I think that when I tell him, I’ll prefer for him to just beat me up instead of trying to answer normally”. He didn’t understand why.

— Yeah — he said. — And also…

— Hold that thought for _one_ second. We need to finish this bloody thing! — and he excitedly went towards the wardrobe that they had on the side of the room. — I’m really really excited to get this over with, I can barely wait!

— Alright — Dirk was scared because he was so excited. Shit, he didn’t have to do it on that night. He really didn’t have to do anything. John told him that he would know what the right thing to do was, but would he really?

Or should he follow impulses as he seemed to do?

“Fuck it, fuck IT” he said.

— Jake! — and Jake turned to stare at him, waiting for the rest.

He took his lab glasses off, seeing Jake do the same and try to fix his own prescription ones under them.

— Yeah? Sorry, what is it?

He couldn’t keep hiding it from Jake anymore. He would have to tell him eventually, so why not end it all now? Dirk looked at him and thought about how he wouldn’t even notice if Dirk just gave up on telling him. He would never know that Dirk was right there, hesitating to tell him something like that.

But he did. He gathered the strength and decided to do it.

— Jake — he said again, and his heart accelerated just as Jake nodded. — Can I tell you something?

Jake’s eyebrows frowned in confusion.

— Of course. What’s the matter, Dirk?

Dirk decided that his heart would explode if it started beating even a little bit louder, but he couldn’t try to keep himself calm. His head was pulsating with questions and doubts and the absolute assurance that Jake would never want to look in his eyes ever again. Dirk wasn’t worried about him throwing fits. He wasn’t worried about him yelling at him saying that he needed to stop whatever it was he was doing with John. Dirk wasn’t worried about that. He was worried it was going to be really silent, and that there would be an acceptance, but that it would probably be very forced, and that inside, even Jake wouldn’t understand what troubled him.

— I’m… Like… 

Jake waited.

— I like someone.

And the _first_ thought that went through Jake’s head was “… crap. Is it me?” He just really, _really_ hoped it wasn’t. Because he wasn’t ready to think about all that. Not yet. It was all way too recent in his head.

— Wait — he said. — Is it…

And there was only one logical option. Dirk stayed silent, yelling inside, his face burning up.

— Is it… John?

— Yeah.

Jake’s face went through a range of expressions. Dirk couldn’t look him in the eyes anymore, even if he felt the heat of his sight over him. “This is it”, he thought. He just wanted Jake to throw him on the floor and punch him all over while repeating how awful he was as both a friend and a partner. He wanted to feel Jake’s rage come out, and hit against him like a fucking meteor. He just wanted Jake’s hatred for him to reach the same level of hate that he thought he deserved, so he just thought “ _please_ break me in half”.

But Jake wouldn’t. Jake wasn'tlike that. And even if Dirk thought he deserved all that, he didn’t.

He really didn’t.

— Oh snap.

Jake’s words were so stupid and vague and Dirk fucking respected him for that. In fact, if he could speak normally at that moment, he probably would say something like “yeah, oh snap is right, my friend” or something like that - given that he would _probably_ get beat up for real for saying that.

But Jake stood there, not waiting for any words from Dirk, but waiting for himself to be able to say anything else. He just really wanted to go sleep that information out, and maybe in the morning go up to Dirk and tell him “hey! Now I know what to say!” But it wasn’t that easy, the thing of human communication. Maybe that would change in the next century or so, but for now, communication had to be direct, and preferably balanced.

So he just went with one big issue: doubt.

— Wait — he began. — Are you… joking? Is it part of the Christmas thing?

Jake giggled while asking that. Dirk shook his head, seriously, trying to hold himself from crying.

Shit. Shit. Shit.

— I know it’s horrible — he said, not controlling his mouth. — It’s… terrible, I should’ve asked you, I really should have. I know it’s fucking shitty of me, I know. Trust me, anything that you might be thinking right now, I have thought of already. Really, I just want you to please know that I am completely aware that it fucking sucks, that it’s a horrible thing what I did, and that I really, really, don’t care if you just want to beat me up for doing something like this without ever telling you about it. I’m sorry! I’m fucking sorry. I know apologizing won’t change anything, and…

But Jake quickly interrupted him, thinking “holy shit, Dirk, calm down, calm down, please”.

— Hey! No, Dirk! It’s alright, it’s alright! I… Please don’t say those things, like… No! It’s… It’s ok!

He wasn’t sure if that would work, but he just wanted Dirk to _shut up_. He wanted to make sure he wouldn’t get too far with the monologuing.

 _Shit_. They both needed to breathe.

— It… It really is! Like, yeah, this caught me off guard, I’m not gonna lie. But… It’s alright! I don’t really see… how…

Dirk’s eyes watered up.

— This could be an issue. Hey. Are you alright?

— No. Shit. Don’t look at me — and he turned his face around, trying to hide his sudden tears. — I… Fuck. Why does my body just choose to be manipulative even when I don’t mean to. It’s like I was born for this! It’s like I won’t ever be able to stop manipulating my relationships with everyone, and it’s so fucking STUPID how it all just seems to give me this control that I DO NOT WANT. It sucks! It sucks so much, I’m sorry, I’m so… fuck, I’m doing it again, I’m…

And he fell. Dirk just _fell_ to his knees, and Jake jumped and quickly went down to aid him. Dirk cried into his own arms, with his legs folded underneath them, while chanting in his mind “STOP. WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING THIS. YOU WANT HIM TO FEEL BAD FOR YOU, HUH? ARE YOU EVER GONNA STOP BEING THIS MONSTER? ARE YOU EVER GOING TO JUST _BE NORMAL INSTEAD OF AN EVIL PIECE OF SHIT_???”

He just wanted all of that to not be real. He wanted to go back to the moment when he was entering the door, and to be able to do it all over again. He wanted his body to not be able to cry, like usual, instead of breaking down for the first time in a long time, in front of someone and during a situation _that_ specific.

Wow, he seemed like such a son of a bitch. And what sucked even more was that he really didn’t expect it to be that bad. “Stop. Stop. Let me do this again. Please”.

Jake held him in his arms, not knowing what to do.

— Shit… Mate, it’s… It’s alright.

And he pressed his arms even stronger around Dirk, so he could maybe distract him enough to stop his tears from coming out. He had never seen Dirk cry before, in the five years of sharing a house with him. And now that he did, he noticed how heartbreaking it was to hear his weak voice, speaking weak broken words that he would never allow himself to project while in his normal settings.

— Please. Stop crying. I’m gonna cry too.

— No. Please. Don’t — Dirk put his head up. — Please don’t cry, Jake. I’m sorry. I really am.

— It’s okay, Dirk! What are you sorry for? — he pouted. — It really is alright, bro! It… Hey, we can talk about this.

Dirk nodded. Shit, he wasn’t even trying to hide his face anymore. Jake had seen it all.

— I’m sorry.

— There’s nothing to be sorry for.

But there was. Jake didn’t even know what Dirk was breaking down about. He didn’t know about any of the thoughts, any of the guilt and torture that happened inside of him, daily. He didn’t know about any small pieces of the story, because no one really did. Dirk was the only one who could give reason to that stupid emotional reaction he had just performed, and once again he wished that he wouldn’t be so emotional. Ah shit, it fucking sucked. And he wanted to stop repeating how much it sucked, but it was so hard.

— Hey. Jake. Fuck…

Jake held Dirk’s face, turning it so he would look him in the eyes. Dirk’s orange eyes were flooded with tears, staring at Jake’s bright green eyes. “He just looks so innocent right now,” Dirk thought, “And I don’t even _know_ what he’s thinking”.

— Dirk — he smiled. — Bro. It really is… alright. Really.

— I- Is? — Dirk asked, voice breaking pathetically.

— Yeah.

Jake beamed, not taking his eyes away.

— Of course it is!

And he once again thought “why wouldn’t it be?” but he knew why. He really did.

So he decided to not say anything else.

— I… I’m sorry anyway.

— I accept your apology — he giggled. — And don’t you dare beat yourself up for crying. It’s natural, and it’s healthy.

— And it hurts.

— Does it, now? — Dirk nodded. — Well, you might want to see a doctor about that one.

Jake finished joking, and Dirk smiled at him, but still wanting to rip his own skin off. He rubbed the remaining tears away from his face, with Jake’s help, and got up. They both stared at each other, and shared a quick hug.

— You wanna talk about it?

And Dirk knew, he _knew_ , that he should say yes. Of course he wanted to talk about John and their relationship with each other. Of _course_ it was important for Jake to know about every single detail that he could get his hands on, because Dirk’s job wasn’t just letting Jake know that he was into his biological son. Shit, it was all so fucking weird and he just wanted to off himself right there, through the window on the walls of the room, but he would survive the fall.

Despite the rambling in his head, and all the reasons why he absolutely shouldn’t, he decided to deny the offer. Jake nodded, accepting his answer but wishing he had said something else.

Though he was a little bit relieved…

— Let’s just work on this thing, alright? — Dirk asked, still rubbing away tears.

Jake sighed, whispering “alright”.

And so they put their glasses back on, turning to the other table in the room, ready to go back to work and try to forget about the whole emotional shitfest. Dirk quickly grabbed his phone as well, sending that one message to John, but changing the content of it to “Ugh, trying to keep me up all night thinking about you?”

It just seemed less personal, and much more vague. Just like how he was used to. As he locked his phone, Jake was already smiling and waiting for him to come over to work. They briefly mentioned John once or twice for the rest of the evening, but Dirk did not say anything else.

They could barely focus on anything. When they finished what they were doing, they went straight to bed. And just like Dirk had told John, he really was kept up all night, thinking.


	3. Troisième

— Wait, you and _Dirk?_

— Ow, don't yell!

John was trying to speak over Dave, but it really wasn't working. Dave thankfully whispered the next sentence:

— So you guys like... You and him... what?

It wasn't a complete disaster, he honestly was expecting worse. John sighed, trying to find the whole situation funny. If only they weren’t in an empty park about thirty steps away from his house, John would take him inside so he could yell about the new information he received, regarding his best friend in the entire world and his only brother.

Shit, it was so difficult to believe. Dave asked if it was a prank, before thinking about it too hard.

— Of course not, Dave — John replied.

— Then… Wait. Jesus, John.

Dave covered his mouth with his hands, yelling dramatically and muffling down the noises. John rolled his eyes.

Dave was maybe too dramatic.

— You guys... kiss, fuck and all? Jesus???

John stared at him, frowning his left eyebrow.

— Now _there's_ something I didn't expect to happen. Like. Ever — and John nodded. — John's dating my brother. That's cool. I mean, yeah. That's cool, it's cool.

— Dave, please calm down — John begged because he had no idea what Dave's reactions meant. — Is it... really cool?

Dave breathed.

— I mean, what'd you do if I said it wasn't? Would you break up with him? — he asked, mouth still open. — John, I really am _strikingly baffled_ but I don't wanna break you guys up.

John felt strange upon hearing those words. It wasn’t like he and Dirk were something that could be “broken up”, right?

But then again, why would he be telling Dave about it if they _weren’t_ something of that kind yet?

He was so fucking confused.

— Look, Dave. I don't even know.

— Like, no. It's cool. I think it's "cool by me", or whatever I need to say for you guys to stay together. Really — John shook his head. It did _sound_ honest... — Hell, if it's in my hands, then I think you guys should _get married_ like, right now. Y'all have my complete seal of approval. I'm not surprised anymore, see? Already got used to it. 

John rose his eyebrows, so lost. "What the hell, Dave," he said with a giggle. "Calm down".

And so Dave realized he really was too agitated. 

— I.........

— You...

— I don't know what to say — and he yelled dramatically, leaving John laughing along. — Had to get that out. Ah, ah, John. You're dating my brother.

— Well... I wouldn't say we're-

— You like... You like my brother, what the fuck. I mean, that's cool but what the fuck.

John nodded, laughing. "Yeah, was a surprise for me too".

— Can we call Karkat? I wanna hear what he has to say about this.

— Alright — John grabbed his phone. — And maybe he can calm you down.

So John looked down and started looking for Karkat's number. “He’s gonna complain about the sun” he heard Dave whine. “I’m the one with the fragile human skin and he’s the one who hates the sun. Guy’s hilarious”.

John giggled, but he almost didn’t hear. As soon as he opened his phone, he could see a message Dirk had sent him, probably replying to the texts John had sent earlier in the day.

It had only been three weeks since their first kiss.

— John. Need help finding Karkat’s number? — Dave joked. John didn’t even react this time. He was just smiling at the phone, feeling his eyes move as he read Dirk’s really short messages more than once. — John?

Dave chuckled.

— Yeah? — John asked, not taking his eyes away from the phone and starting to type. Dave waited, smiling. — What, yeah?

Dave chuckled one more time, grabbing his own phone.

— Shit, who is it? Is it Dirk? — he asked. John rolled his eyes and stared at Dave. — Oh SHIT, how long have you guys been together? ‘Cause like. I see Dirk almost every day, so… I saw him like, two days ago? John???

But John didn’t reply. It was too funny to see Dave think thoughts that John didn’t even want to know. He just smirked and laughed at his friend a bit, making fun of the situation.

Dave decided he would call Karkat himself, since John had forgotten about it under a minute, and did so while ironizing to John how “fucked up it was that they hadn't told him earlier”. John was glad that Dirk wasn't there, and glad that the plan to tell Dave worked well. 

Right then, it was just two best friends joking about one another. It wasn't serious. It was easy.

For Dirk and Jake, on the other hand, it wasn't.

It was still hard for the both of them. The situation had worked _slightly_ okay but it was never going to be as simple and correct as whatever Dave and John had, but it wasn’t something they couldn’t handle.

The first night after Dirk broke down crying was one of the strangest ones, where they fought and fought against the idea of letting their thoughts come out, and literally just spoke in their own heads for the rest of the evening, desperate inside and standing next to each other, working on a fucking project. The next day at work also wasn’t the best, because Jake would wait until the end of the world if Dirk wasn’t the first one to bring the subject up again.

He would just wait. And sadly, that was what both of them were used to doing.

But on the Wednesday afternoon right before leaving home, it was when things started to get less uncomfortable. Jake didn’t exactly understand everything but he heard Dirk mention John as casually as he could, and even if that was small, Jake felt something in his head, something that sounded like “yeah, we’re gonna be okay”.

Dave and John didn’t and would never have or understand the type of friendship that those two had, and Dirk would also never try to explain it. When he texted John right after waking up on that day, he also texted Jake. He told him he would need his help with something he was making so that counted as process.

It was strange.

— Give me a sec — Dave said, stepping away.

John wasn’t planning on meeting with Dirk on that day, but he really wanted to. He really did. He was trying not to think about him too much, but it’s not like he was able to control it, he had already gone too far. As Dave walked away to talk on the phone with Karkat, John let his brain drift off to Dirk’s message and everything else about him.

Like his voice.

And his hands.

And his really specific skin texture and how strange it felt to have his palms against his own.

Everything about him.

But fuck, what was all that? He wasn’t in “love”, like they called it. He couldn’t be feeling that strong sensation about anyone so early on, could he?

He decided not to think about it. As he had said before, he “really liked” Dirk.

And maybe that was enough.

Dave, stepping away, listened to the voice of his lover on the phone. John wished that it was that easy for him, to realize what love is, what romantic feelings are like when heads work so strangely. What would Dirk even fucking think if he just went towards his ear and whispered, in a low voice: “I love you”. John was afraid he’d even enjoy it, and maybe say it back?

And maybe that wasn’t as insane as it sounded?

— Kat? Everything alright?

— Sure. You want me to bring anything? — Karkat asked, his voice stern like usual, sounding good as always.

— I don’t think so, maybe some juice if you’re down — Dave shone a smirk that Karkat could _hear_. — It’s very sunny, huh.

— Urgh, this sun always ruins my good mood.

— Are you ever in a good mood? — he joked. — Just kidding, love. Hey, wanna hear the news?

— What’s up?

— John is dating _Dirk_?

— He is?

Karkat’s question sounded natural, almost too natural. Dave could hear him opening the fridge to their house in the background.

— Are you… Are you not surprised?

Karkat thought about it.

— Dave. I’ve given up on understanding Egbert a while ago — he joked, hearing Dave giggle. — Why would it be weird? I just thought he didn’t like guys.

— Yeah, same? — Dave shook his head. — But I’m here with him and he told me they’re together and shit like that? Have you- Have you ever predicted this type of relationship between them or…

— Dave, I don’t think you wanna hear me talking about other people’s romantic lives right now, do you? — and Dave said no, though it did sound cool. — Just wait ‘til I come over, I wanna talk to him. Is he alright?

— I think so. He’s right here wi- Wait. Wait a second.

— What? — Dave sounded strange so Karkat had to ask. — Are you okay, is he okay?

Dave chuckled, nodding.

He stared back at where John was standing, looking down on his phone, and presumably, texting his new partner. Dave stared at John who, with a gigantic dumb smile in his head, levitated about five inches of the ground.

Fuck. _That_ was embarrassing.

— Lmao, Kat, wait a second, John’s fucking levitating — he laughed. “What?” asked Karkat. — I don’t know. Karkat, just come over, I love you. What is he fucking doing.

Dave laughed once again, hearing Karkat and walking towards John again. John didn’t even feel Dave going towards him, as he was too focused on the letters he was typing.

— See you. I love you — and he hung up. Dave made force so his body would come off the ground too, and started to fly like a clown of a best friend just to mock John in the best way possible. When he was really close to him again, John stopped smiling, realizing he had been out for a while, and stared at Dave.

— Why are you f- oh fuck.

And Dave laughed loudly, putting his own feet back on the ground. John could feel his face go red, but he didn’t have to be embarrassed of the guy who had cried while talking about how much he loved his own boyfriend before. Still, he punched Dave on the shoulder and got back on the ground.

— Woah, is it that serious already? — Dave laughed more and more, pressing his hand against the shoulder John had pushed and not being able to stop smiling. “Fuck off,” John said.

— Shut up, I’m just… I don’t know.

— Egbert, it’s alright — Dave said, trying to stop laughing desperately. — I mean, it’s super fucking funny.

John shook his head, smirking.

— But yeah, that can be how it is.

— Liking someone?

— Yeah It can be confusing as fuck at first. But believe me, smiling at your phone... Not a good sign, dude.

John sighed, “I know”. Dave thanked the skies that John was slightly happy, because he loved him so much. He didn't care who he was with.

He just wanted John to be okay.

* * *

Dirk got ready to leave the house but very quickly stopped to hear Jake humming a very familiar tune. He almost turned around, but walking out and trying not to be seen by him, it didn’t have to exactly happen anymore.

Dirk remembered John telling him to hydrate more and so he gathered courage, and walked to the kitchen to see Jake there, dressed up and all.

Of course Jake noticed he was there.

— Hey, Dirk! — he spoke, in that beautiful non-threatening voice that he knew how to use so well. Dirk smiled at him, responding.

— Sup, Jake — and Jake’s smile back was wide. As if he could read the obvious thought inside Jake’s brain, he decided to make it very clear: — I’m going out.

— Oh, alright! — Jake responded, already knowing where he was going to go.

— I might sleep there… by the way — his voice almost sounded like a loud whisper. — If you need anything…

— Oh, that’s ok, Dirk — he smiled, but there was clearly some sort of uncomfortable feeling floating through that strange kitchen of theirs. — Have fun!

Dirk, after drinking the water, turned to Jake, looking him straight in the eyes.

— I’m sorry.

— Hey, it’s alright Dirk! There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, we’ve talked about this — and he smiled in the way he always did, and Dirk could tell, and it wasn’t his intrusive thoughts this time, it wasn’t a disgusting joke of his annoying brain this time. Dirk _knew_ that it wasn’t a genuine smile.

And he would carry the memory of those lips lying to him for the rest of the day.

— Alright. Thanks — and so he left, grabbing his keys ready to leave the house.

Jake waved at him, saying goodbye. As he left, Jake went back to doing whatever it was he was doing before, and Dirk hadn’t even asked what it was. Jake could be playing video games or watching bad movies and Dirk would have no idea because he was too terrified to talk to him sometimes, all due to the voices in his own head.

He stopped in the middle of the walk towards John’s house, and realized how fucking shitty of a friend he had become. But it wasn’t a surprise to him, so he just went ahead.

His phone rang and he saw it was John himself.

— Hey. Don’t worry, I’m almost there — Dirk said, hearing John say hello.

— Can’t wait — John replied, smiling. — I just got home, I was hanging out with Dave and Karkat. Guess what.

Dirk’s expression changed, as he realized what had happened.

— You told him? — and John nodded, giggling. — What'd he say?

— A lot of things. They _can_ be blabbermouths.

Dirk chuckled, agreeing. He turned off the call when he was able to see John’s house in the distance.

He allowed himself to float towards it for just those last twenty seconds. He opened the door by himself for not the first time, but it still felt very personal.

— John? — Dirk questioned entering the house, which seemed to be empty. He heard quick footsteps on the second floor and quickly to the stairs.

— Heeeeeeey — John yelled running down the stairs, no shirt and wet hair, with each “e” louder than the last one. Dirk pretended to be scared as he saw John run towards him and grab him for a very cold and humid hug.

— Ah, shiiit — Dirk dramatized, having his arms folded while John had his own around Dirk’s body. — Nooo, it’s hot today, but I don’t need water all over me, John!

John laughed and stepped away, but not without messing up Dirk’s hair on purpose first. Dirk tsked, taking John’s hand away and looking him in the eyes while trying not to smile.

— It’s so clear how much you’re charmed by me — and he was a thousand percent right, and Dirk knew he was. He shot him an annoyed expression. — Hehe, you love me.

Dirk tried to keep his cool at what John said but his heart betrayed him once again. He had his and John’s chest touching right against one another, so all he could do was guess whether he had been able to or not to feel the heartbeat through the skin.

So he smiled. He simply smiled and stared at John’s smile, beautiful teeth showing, unlike Dirk. He allowed himself to be held the way he enjoyed being held. And for once, he allowed himself to be seen.

John could see it in his eyes. He could see the fear, and he could see the love. Even if that was one big scary word, that was what he was able to see. Dirk would not be able to produce a word, and John knew that. Dirk would not be able to stop staring into John’s eyes as long as he was held, and John _knew_ that. Dirk would not talk, he would not move, unless he really forced himself to. John didn’t feel the heartbeat change. John didn’t see how much faster Dirk _breathed_ after he had used the word love in front of him. What he had seen was his eyes, and what lied behind them. As he finally let his body go, seeing his soft expression go softer and his eyebrows walk down, his heart decided to copy Dirk’s.

And he could not _believe_ how much he loved looking into Dirk’s eyes. He could not believe how much _his body_ could be changed due to just Dirk _being_ there.

And so he also didn’t say a word. Because there was too much. And not all of it was good, of course, but _shit_ , there were so many good feelings right there.

How did Dirk do that?

Sensing a slight taste of coffee in Dirk’s mouth, John asked him if he had drunk any. Dirk denied it, saying that he wished he had, because he was very tired, but that it was probably candy. And so John hugged him again, asking if Dirk wanted to go to sleep.

Dirk said no, of course. He had to spend time with John. He couldn’t just miss out.

It was a lot to miss. Big responsibility.

— Come on, love — John didn’t even _realize it_ this time. — It’s alright, we can rest for a while. Didn’t you say you wanted to sleep here with me?

— Yeah — Dirk’s expression just _dropped_ when he felt John move his hand through his blonde hair, holding him on his shoulder. — But I wanna sleep with you, when you want to sleep.

— Baby, it’s ok, I can sleep with you right now — _shit_ , John had to stop with the names that did things to Dirk’s heart for stupid reasons. — I’m practically a sleeping machine, I can sleep anywhere and at any time.

Stepping away and breaking the hug, Dirk responded:

— That’s such a lie.

— I know — John smiled cynically. — Almost got you, huh?

— Yeah, almost — he ironized. John laughed and started walking towards the kitchen to - Dirk already knew - grab a glass of water for him. Giving a little bit of a fuck about his own health, Dirk didn’t deny it. He sat down on John’s couch and waited for him to come back.

And so the vision of Jake’s smile naturally came back. He tried to play games so that his mind would take that memory away in case it lost in a match of chess or something like that, but nah. His brain was really dwelling on punching him in the guts with the image of his best friend having to lie about his own happiness, and maybe it would even make Dirk dream about it. _God, no_ , Dirk leaned on the side of the couch, against his hand. _Nah, can’t have this in my dreams, don’t even wanna sleep anymore_.

He then removed his hand from his face and neutralized his expression again, so John wouldn’t ask about the fucking overwhelming shit going on. He returned, and sat with Dirk on the couch, right next to him, waiting for him to drink.

— You don’t need to… — he started, only to hear the obvious “shhh” from John’s mouth as he used his own hand to push the glass Dirk was holding so he’d drink faster. — You’re gonna make me drop it on your couch.

— It’s hot today, as you said — John smiled.

— Hot enough for me to ruin your couch? — he spoke angrily, and John chuckled.

He stared at Dirk while he chugged the drink, waiting for him to finish.

— Hot enough to turn on the air conditioner and just take a nap together? — his voice sounded soft and sweet. Dirk looked at him and nodded, still not sure about wasting the time he had with John by sleeping. — Come on, let’s go to my bedroom.

Dirk went because he _loved_ the idea of laying down next to John and feeling his warmth again. There was nothing he loved more, than being on John’s bed, calm and silent, while he moved his hands over his skin just like he owned the keys to heaven and to his heart. Dirk loved laying on John’s chest, feeling his heart beat against him. He loved moving his hands through John’s hair, and holding his nape slightly, and kissing him softly every once in a while. He loved, more than anything, knowing he was there next to him. He loved waking up and seeing his hands in front of him as he felt his arms around his waist, and blaming himself for comparing the vision of John’s skin to Jake one more time. He would sometimes think that, and then force himself to turn around, to look at John’s face, to stare at that flawless asleep man and to pick apart every single little thing he loved about his strong face. He didn’t bother separating John’s features from Jake’s because he didn’t have to forcefully convince himself that they weren’t the same person, and if his brain had an issue about anything like that, it was something he just had to add to the pile of unsolved shit, and then, so he could rest again, he would kiss the top of John’s nose, hearing him sleep and not even think about waking up anytime soon. And as redundant as it sounded by now, he thought again, how he _loved_ that.

Dirk and John didn’t hold hands as they walked up the stairs but hearing each other's heartbeats was enough physical connection. They entered John’s room, turned on the air conditioner and lied down together on the comfortable double bed in the corner of the room.

Dirk grabbed the pillow that he liked the most, and John was already ready to hand it to him. They looked at each other, dumb smile in John’s face and dumb neutral expression in Dirk’s, and finally lay their heads against the pillows.

— You’re too far away — John pulled Dirk by his waist, bringing him closer and closer until they shared only one large pillow, mixing their legs together on top of one another. — Much better.

Dirk smiled and closed his eyes as he reached for John’s hair, twirling his fingers around every strand he could hold. John quickly kissed him on the forehead, allowing his hair to be touched, and felt the pressure of the legs on top of his, allowing it too.

— Good night — said Dirk, ready to drift away into the dreaming world because _God_ he was tired. John brought him even closer so that his face could be under his, and held him near.

— Are you really this tired?

— I’m literally _exhausted_ , like, I haven’t been this tired in a long time — and that was one hundred percent a lie.

— Then go to sleep, love.

And Dirk didn’t even mind it this time. Apparently, that was what John was used to calling him now, and he wasn’t going to complain.

John stared at Dirk, who fell asleep pretty fast, but he couldn’t. He kept rubbing his own head, smiling while pressing against his forehead, and thinking, thinking, thinking.

He looked at Dirk with his beautiful eyes. He tried to focus close enough to be able to hear his breathing, his slow-paced humming as he slept hopefully in peace. When it was too much for him, John decided to get up, step away, and be alone for a few seconds.

The cold air inside the bedroom was distracting him too much. He went into the bathroom near his stairs and looked at himself in the mirror for the first time on that day.

“Ah shit”, he thought.

He didn’t have to resemble his father so much. He only had to be hopeful his father’s eyes were not as blue as his own, but _fuck_.

Why did they have to be the same shape?

He walked down the stairs, not forgetting to grab his water bottle first. It was much warmer in his living room, and his couch looked really inviting. John giggled through his nose, inviting some good memories into his head, some nostalgia being involved. He looked around for a while, deciding he was still tired, no matter how hard it was for him to sleep. Being out in the sun, spending the morning with Dave and Karkat, it really got him tired.

But the thoughts didn’t stop. Even if he had stopped thinking enough to be able to go to bed, the dreams would still talk. John smiled, realizing it made no fucking difference.

He lay down on the couch, the most comfortable place in the house for some stupid reason. He didn’t even begin to miss Dirk’s heat because he wasn’t even thinking of Dirk at that particular moment. All the underlying thoughts, all the conversations in his brain, were about his father.

John smiled, feeling his eyes tear up with one random amazing memory that he had of the man he loved. He felt that one single tear caress his cheek and decided to embrace it because there was nothing else he could do. The room was too bright because the curtains were open and it was the middle of the afternoon, but he decided to leave it like that just so he could pretend that he wasn’t alone anymore. That the light was still there.

“Is he somewhere?” John’s head spoke, for some reason that he did not need to understand. From what John knew about the afterlife, he could only assume his father was somewhere, or not. He could be anywhere. He could not exist anymore.

All that was able to keep him in peace, was knowing that he was alive somewhere, loving his son, taking care of him.

In another universe, it was alright. John kept smiling.

He moved the hands that were resting on his stomach and brought them towards his chest, leaving them to rest there. No matter how long it had been, sometimes it didn’t feel real. John remembered the nightmares he used to have just like every single child in the world had, about his father dying, about losing the one who was there to take care of him, and sometimes that was what it felt like.

He, like every other kid, he assumed, used to bring himself to tears accidentally as a kid. “I don’t want to lose my dad” they would think. “My mom and dad are never gonna die!” He thought about the terrifying way children learned about mortality, and sensation, and just wanted to go back, even if the feeling felt overwhelming.

In that moment, he weighed which entrance would be less disturbing. If it was feeling the ordeal of finding everything out once again, or the feeling of existing in a time where that had already come to action.

Ah _shit_ , it all sucked.

— Hey. Are you there? — he decided to ask, and maybe that was a bad idea, because he didn’t get an answer.

John as a kid liked the idea that humans created that dead people would go to the sky. He, after everything, obviously knew it wasn’t true but it still was a doubt for him for some reason. “I hope you’re not there” he said this time, just looking up to his ceiling and not feeling anyone stare at him, or any presence whatsoever.

— I don’t want you to see me like this — he told, breathing through his nose and forcing a smile. — But… I want you to see me. I want you to look at me.

John closed his eyes briefly, only to open them up to feel more tears coming, as his expression stayed mostly neutral.

— I want to hear you say you’re proud of me again — how much he missed that. — I wanna hear your voice again.

And John’s own voice cracked during that last word. He reached up to the ceiling once, putting his arm back down instantly.

— I just wish I had more than one photo. I wish I had… — he felt his face change, his voice become weaker. — Videos of you. So I could watch them over, and over, and over again.

His lips started to break apart, and his face looked completely miserable and taken by silent tears now. John couldn’t even realize the “ah, fuck, fuck” in his head anymore.

It was all about that moment. And it was all about him.

And that _fucking son of a bitch useless_ grief.

— Dad, I just — he chuckled. — I wish you were here. ‘Cause. I never learned to live without you.

He nodded, eyes going blurry.

— And I guess — his edges softened slightly. — I never thought I _would_ ever live without you. I never believed I would. Especially not so early.

Dirk wasn’t exactly there, because he wasn’t inside John’s head, but as he stared at him from the top of the stairs, he sighed, hearing John cry.

He wished he hadn’t been woken up by John opening the door. He hated hearing that, he hated it so much.

— Dad… — he cried out. — Are you- Do you see me? 

He closed his eyes, rubbed his face.

— And. Are you proud of me?

And as he broke down, Dirk could only watch. He went back upstairs eventually, back to the bedroom where John had left him. John took the inside of his arm towards his face, covering his eyes with it as he sobbed and lost control of his own breathing. His heart beat fast and fuck, how much it hurt. Fuck, how much he wanted to have him back. Fuck, how much everything fucking hurt all the time, and he would never ever ever ever get to see him again. He would never get to look in his eyes again, play with him, and eventually, he would probably forget about his existence.

He wanted to not confess that Dirk’s existential ideas were getting to his head, but _fuck_ he hated immortality now. He hated the idea of forgetting what his father looked like, when the emotions would surely be deleted by the incapatibility of stopping change.

John, at that point, didn’t want to die. He didn’t want to disappear _exactly_. He didn’t know if it was possible but he didn’t want anyone else to feel the pain of loss as he felt it on that day. As his heart ached, he thought of everyone and knew he wanted to spend forever with them, and even if shit went wrong in the probably terrifying future, he would still know that everyone meant something to someone at some point.

So _that_ was something that stayed inside his head. “He loved you and you loved him, so that is what matters” Dirk’s voice said before. John nodded, smiling and still rubbing his eyes. Yeah, his father had loved him for the thirteen years he had John in his life for. His father existed, and even if he eventually stopped existing, he once did. And he loved existing.

That afternoon was when John had one of the first mature deepest thoughts he had been blocking from happening before. “Yeah” his head said, still bustling but with no need to yell at him anymore. Crying was good. “That’s just it. Life is new everyday. It’s never gonna be the same ever again”.

John didn’t go back upstairs. As the final thoughts moved inside his head, he miserably fell asleep not knowing it was going on.

* * *

About half an hour later John was woken up. The breath of Dirk on top of his face made him startled, as he stared at him. “Ah, shit” he thought, hoping his eyes weren’t red, hoping his tears couldn’t be seen.

— Morning — Dirk said, with the beautiful unique voice that he had. John sighed, smiling. He closed his eyes to make sure Dirk wouldn’t see anything that could possibly be there, not knowing that, yeah, he knew.

Dirk also wouldn’t tell. He didn’t have to know.

— Morning — John replied, stretching his arms. — No, wait, it’s like ten in the evening, it’s not a morning.

— It’s like, four-thirty, John — Dirk smirked. He placed a small his on top of John’s nose, as John realized he had been kneeling down beside the couch. — So dramatic.

John blinked twice, reaching for his glasses on the table.

— Really? Then I wasn’t out for long.

— I don’t know how long you’ve been out for. I was with you upstairs like three hours ago.

— Right — John smiled, being now able to see clearly and looking back at Dirk in a more natural way. He decided to sit up on the couch, and have the man sit next to him, sharing a really strange just-woke-up kiss with his mouth.

Dirk still thought about what he had seen, and he wondered if John was okay.

— You wanna watch another movie tonight? — he asked, and mostly because he wanted John to cheer up.

— Sure — John grew a smile on the side of his face, getting up from the couch slightly uncomfortably. — Do you want to?

— Uhum — Dirk hummed, which made John lift one eyebrow up as he grabbed his bottle of water and chugged on the liquid. — Have any ideas?

But John caught him early on. He knew something was up.

— You like watching movies with me that bad? — he asked, wanting to use the right words. He also kept smiling, and saw Dirk rise from the couch with a strange expression.

— Of course I do. Why wouldn’t I?

John laughed, of course.

— Yeah, but like — he sipped on his water again. — You really want to spend your “precious time with me” just sitting down and watching dumb movies?

The sarcastic tone of voice when John did the quotation marks made Dirk roll his eyes, as he got closer and closer - _God,_ they didn’t know how to be apart - and used his hand to rest on John’s chest, kissing him very softly on the chin.

— Fuck you, you’re complicated — he joked, and John smirked, closing his eyes instinstively as he felt Dirk’s lips against his skin. — Alright then. We can do something cooler. Although I _do_ love just sitting down and watching dumb shit with you, ok?

 _Fuck_ he was in love. That had to be love, there was no way it wasn’t. He moved away with a pout that John copied when he saw, and kept his hand on his chest, knowing it was _love_.

— I think I have an idea for another date…

Dirk celebrated inside. He didn’t give a fuck whether they would go watch a movie, fishing, having sex, taking a fucking shower, it didn’t matter. He just wanted to make sure John was okay, which was never something he was good at doing with anyone. His head bustling with hope for that night but full of fears.

He had spiritually interrupted John’s act of grief, the first serious one he had got to see. And John didn’t even _know_. Was it even fucking right to keep that from him? Dirk didn’t waste time with that question because he knew how powerful that man’s name was to John and he knew he would _always_ have to think before ever bringing him up.

— Really? — Dirk asked, seeing John nod. “Uhum”.

— It’s gonna be a hot evening tonight, as you’ve probably noticed — Dirk agreed. — Then I was thinking we could do something outside so we don’t have to sweat our skin off.

— Hm? — and Dirk didn’t even realize he had been pulled to lay his head against John’s shoulder and that he was doing so. — Any plan in particular?

— Maybe. I know it’s not really our thing to go out into town together. So I thought we could do something here, right outside my house.

— Hm…

— Stargazing? Just chilling and looking up at the stars for a while.

They could sit together, and touch each other’s hands. And they could look each other in the eyes, and maybe say nice words, or nothing at all. They could watch the stars together, and fight off that stupid tension because they didn’t have to feel it anymore. They could kiss, and touch, and not hide anything. It wasn’t like that, it was different now.

And so a memory hit Dirk like a murderous train. It wasn’t his thoughts’ fault this time because he could admit that was how brains were meant to work. He remembered one of the first nights he spent inside Jake’s house. He remembered the time they spent together on Jake's planet, him teaching everything he knew about it, and showing him every fake star he had attached to his ceiling. Of course it effectively wasn’t the same, as Earth-C’s stars were beautiful and present, and _John_ would be there. But something felt uneasy about that. Something didn’t feel right. There were times in which it hurt to think about Jake, when it was John there, and that was one of those times.

He remembered that the stargazing night inside Jake’s room was when Dirk touched his hands for the very first time. Jake first went silent, he couldn’t move much, but Dirk could feel he was smiling without looking. That evening was possibly when Dirk realized he was in _love_ with Jake, in actual _love_. It couldn’t be the same with John. It couldn’t happen in the same way, during the same act, and he had to fight against it.

He hated himself for ruining something as innocent and nice as a stargazing night with the one he was starting to love. He hated himself for losing the chance of seeing John Egbert’s face from the side, staring up with starry eyes and his parted lips. He had to be absolutely honest because he did _not_ want to think of Jake. And he did not want to think of Jake on that night. _Especially_ on that night.

But he obviously wouldn’t be “absolutely” honest. He wasn’t capable of that. However, he did gather the strength to say:

— Hm, maybe we… shouldn’t? — his tone was questionous which made John curious. — I just…

John pushed on Dirk’s shoulders, pulling him away from his neck so he could look him in the face. “What’s wrong?”

— Well, stargazing was one of my first real dates with Jake — he admitted, regretting it straight away. — Not that any of our hangouts could have been considered “dates” but, you know…

— Oh — John said not even controlling it. — Hey. Ok, that’s fine. That’s alright! We can do something else.

 _God_ he could sound like him sometimes. Dirk wanted to punch John at that moment.

— Right — he was _scared_. Dirk was _scared_. “Shit, he’ll think I’m thinking of Jake. Which I am, but not in that way. And it’s… natural. It’s natural and it makes sense”. — But. I don’t wanna ruin the fun, we can do it if you want to.

— No, no! — John insisted. — Let’s do something else. I can’t steal what he did now, can I?

Dirk looked into his eyes, unable to look away but lips parted in shock at the sight of John’s smirk.

— Y-Yeah — he spoke like a teenager.

— The Master of Cool Dates can’t do that.

— Is that what I called you? — they giggled. — Stupid ass name.

— Hey, come on Strider, don’t mock my position.

And so he grabbed his bottle of water again.

— Then let’s… cloudgaze. Right now.

— Al… right? — he agreed even if it was stupidly similar. John turned to the door and got his phone and everything and Dirk followed him. — Oh. You mean, right now, right now?

— Yup — John turned to him, eyebrows up. — Right now, right now, Strider. Got a problem with that?

Dirk’s body trembled and he didn’t even know why, because he didn’t know how John was capable of making him tremble with just saying words. “Nah”, he shook his head.

They made it out of the door, feeling the warmth of the open world but also the soft winds coming from the trees. Dirk was wearing jeans as usual but they didn’t warm his legs so much when he was outside. The sun of four-thirty in the afternoon was not as hot as the usual one so they would be able to stare up with their sensitive eyes.

John didn’t waste any time and sat down straight away, feeling grass against his hands as he leaned on them, placing his arms near his back. Dirk found a spot next to him to sit down, trying not to find it awkward that they were sitting about ten feet away from the door of John’s empty house.

— Glad I wore shorts today — was the first thing John said. Dirk rolled his eyes. — Maybe one day you’ll let the world see your beautiful legs.

He smirked. Dirk joked: “nah, they’re just for you”.

They looked up, seeing how small they were in their own universe that had been created from their own hands. John stared at the clouds, and he could judge that it wasn’t going to rain anytime soon. Dirk looked slightly beyond them knowing that he didn’t have to wonder what sat behind because he knew absolutely all there was to know about the place they inhabited.

The power could get overwhelming. If Dirk didn’t have enough shit in his head then maybe he would have the need to actually worry about how dangerous owning powers could be and how any of them could go insane with that lack of meaning in existence. He knew that even John could just go batshit insane, and that would fucking suck if Dirk fell in love with him before that. Right then he was more afraid of John going crazy than even fucking dying.

It got strange fast. It wasn’t amazing. They were together but thinking too much. John still had his father in his mind so he couldn’t hear any of the other thoughts, which made it seem like it was empty and abandoned. But the other thoughts were there somewhere. Dirk was still thinking about Jake’s fake happiness but only subconsciously, because he didn’t pay much attention to it. He gained the strength to not need to touch John’s hand, to not need to move his fingers, to play with them, and also to actually lay down in the grass instead of sitting around like a couple of idiots.

He wasn’t the first one to speak, because nobody said anything. They did stare at one another, an action that made John smirk slightly, admitting that something felt off. It hadn’t been a good plan after all, mistakes happen. And mistakes were doomed to happen when it came to their relationship, it wasn’t a surprise. Nothing could be a surprise anymore.

Sigh, breathe, John, you can do this.

— Hm… — he started, but he knew he _could_ do this. He could have a normal conversation. He could not be terrified of hurting Dirk, of cracking him open like a fragile piece of glass. He could speak, he could live and he could love him even if it sounded far-fetched as fuck. He could look him in the eyes like he was doing right then, and he could tell Dirk what he wanted to do. He could do it — I think I’ve changed my mind.

— About? — Dirk questioned, looking at John and not ever looking away, only when he got up out of a sudden.

— About this date — John replied. — Cloudgazing is boring as fuck. I have something much cooler we could do.

— Hm? You do? — Dirk felt an excitement inside himself because that was what John made him feel. 

— Yeah — he nodded, still that stupid smirk all over his confident face. — Windgazing.

And so with the powers of Breath John disappeared in thin air and became a quick gust of wind running around Dirk in a nice set of motions. Dirk widened his eyes and smiled, because he was _not_ expecting that but also not complaining about it. Before he could even do anything about it or try to find John’s wind, the man himself reappeared right behind him, next to his ear, whispering in them. “Can you find me?” his raspy soft voice said, and when Dirk turned around he was wind and flying again.

Dirk stood up, laughing, and pretending to be slightly annoyed, and looked around as John kept disappearing and reappearing in other places with a sarcastic smile on his face. John would be there and kiss Dirk on the lips and then he would evaporate and be one feet behind him, poking him on the shoulders. Dirk’s throat started to hurt a tiny bit from laughing at how dumb and funny that whole scene was, and how much he wanted John to chill and kiss him again. But he didn’t stop having fun. John came back giggling and held Dirk pulling him up to fly with him with closed eyes, and then disappeared again leaving Dirk floating again. Then he appeared one more time and spun Dirk around with one of his hands, and so they danced in the air stupidly and were happy and full of glee. It was when John got tired that he finally decided to stop, beaming like mad and resting his arms around Dirk’s. Dirk couldn’t stop laughing, and he rubbed John’s arms and held them close so he wouldn’t let go again.

Fuck, that was tiring. But it was also what they both needed to take away all that was flying around their heads. Yeah, the thoughts would still be somewhere, but so what? Right then all they knew to do was laugh, like they had been born for that purpose, and hold each other close. John’s final chuckle was against Dirk’s lips and a kiss like that one was just so simple and naive but so beautiful in its entirety. Dirk knew he understood life again when things like that would come to exist. He knew life was not absolute, and that the moments like those were what they would miss if they ever lost the chance of being alive. When he felt John’s lips against his own, it felt like it was his first serious date when he was just sixteen years old, because it was too innocent, and it was too happy.

When they separated, they still couldn’t open their eyes. Dirk’s orange ones started producing tears from so much random movement and fun, and John rubbed his hands on them so he’d make them go away. Dirk’s cheeks were shiny and John couldn’t take his eyes away from the tears, smiling and smiling, and not being able to stop.

— You’re so fucking amazing — Dirk decided to spit out. — Can’t even call you dumb right now, you’re amazing.

He laughed as he spoke those words, with a lot of clearness in his voice. John could sense that he was not weirded out by anything, and that, ultimately, he was okay. He opened his mouth with the widest smile, going for another kiss, and another one, and another one, and they didn’t even know they were still kissing and pecking on each other’s lips and John’s hair was getting messy from all the movement Dirk’s hand did there. They held each other like they were falling from the sky even though they were just floating off the ground, and _shit,_ he really was amazing. The sky maintained the same clouds and heat but they received a short brief wind which made them tremble. But when they were against each other, they couldn’t even notice.

Fuck, John did love him. What the fuck.

John _loved_ him. He _loved_.

— You’re the best — he said, honestly, because he couldn’t just blurt out “I love you. Wow, shit, I love you” just yet.

Dirk kept smiling wide, showing his teeth and not worrying about it. Fucking love. Wow.

— I… Shit.

And they laughed again.

It took them a while to wind down. It took John a while to let Dirk back to the ground too, and for them to be able to stop looking at each other’s eyes. They did lay down this time and it was so warm but their hands were together anyway. There was no limit because there didn’t need to be, Dirk thought. They started to actually try to cloudgaze because this time it wouldn’t be wrong anymore, it would just be stupid. With every movement John did and every stare Dirk seemed to throw on his hands, their hearts beat slower. As they were getting used to being with one another, their hearts started to learn. They were now okay with the idea that “yeah. He is here” and less worried about what being there even fucking meant.

“Wow, wow” and the only thing that could ruin that moment for Dirk was his head starting to act again. But it didn’t. He thought of Jake, because who wouldn’t? He thought of Dave, he thought of asking John about him, he thought of the fake smile and the lies. But most of all, he thought of John. And it felt so good to be blinded by love. He could live with it. He could live with his brain going stale and only being able to picture his lover, the man who made him happy, as long as he didn’t have to think anymore. John looked so right, he seemed so _right_. What would be considered unacceptable for the Dirk in the past was now absolutely dreamy to this one. And as his smart thoughts started to step in again, he considered giving up on planning and just telling the whole world that he loved and would forever love John Egbert, not paying attention to how impulsive and reckless and just plainly stupid that whole idea was. Because,

why did it even matter?

John lay the side of his face on the grass, turning sideways to see Dirk. Dirk did the same, only slightly quicker, and didn’t even know what to say.

Did they _have_ to say anything?

Was silence all that bad?

— I love you, which is weird — John would say if he could. “I think I love you too, which is stupid”, Dirk would respond, and they would kiss because they both felt the same, and it would all be fun again and guilt would only have to exist afterwards. John focused on the present moment but he didn’t say those words. No, they were too strong. They could have an effect on someone like Dirk. Dirk did the same. He did not want to say, nor hear, anything serious just yet. He just wanted, if he had to be honest, to live.

And to know what living meant.

Since John did not say that, they just decided to nod. They nodded at one another as if they were having an interesting conversation and smiled at how fucking stupid they had made each other become. Dirk went to sit up, but actually took his face in the direction of John, kissing his lips one more time. He didn’t know if it was too much but he would do that all day, feeling the warmth not only of John’s body but also his heart, under that very comfortable hot weather they were sharing as one. He forgot Jake for just a slight second, he forgot the one he was so sure he was letting down because fuck, John felt as warm as he did when their first kiss happened.

— Wow.

Dirk smirked, remembering that was what John had said when they kissed for the first time ever.

— You like it? — he asked. John nodded, “yeah”, laughing. — Want more?

— Always — and so they kissed one more, but softly this time. Their lips brushed against one another and John started to want to push Dirk off him ‘cause the grass was starting to bother his back. When they sat up, and it was alright again, they decided to grab something to eat.

Sharing a picnic wasn’t something that either of them thought was ever gonna happen, but it certainly did. And the weather did allow for that. It was near Christmas and the sky seemed to get hotter around this time. Dirk loved when it got hot, because he wasn’t at all used to the cold, seeing as he lived without it. John didn’t _love_ it but surely didn’t hate it. He sweated a lot so he usually stayed topless at home and took a million showers per day. Oh how much Dirk loved snuggling against a humid and fresh-smelling John on the comfortable bed in John’s house.

Dirk and John both loved bread for some reason so that was mostly what they ate. John showed Dirk one fruit he had never before seen, and he absolutely hated it. They both giggled as Dirk had to spit it away from him. “It’ll grow a tree”, John said. “Fuck that”, Dirk responded, grabbing milk to chug down the taste straight away.

After a long while, they started cooling down. It was getting darker now, but it all felt so bright still.

John looked at Dirk, and he saw something. He didn’t know what it was exactly. But he knew it was different, somewhere. It was probably on Dirk’s eyelids, he thought, for some reason. 

Dirk thought that he was being neutral, that he was being secretive as ever. But John was starting to get him.

John was starting to see him.

— Hey — he began. Dirk looked at him, feeling the calm breeze on his hair.

— Hm? — he asked, soft voice. John extended his arm across the picnic and carressed Dirk’s cheek.

— Is everything ok?

Dirk stopped to think, looking right with a confused expression.

— Everything? — he asked, chewing on his strawberries. — That is a very hard thing to happen, John.

— Fuck you, you know what I mean — he laughed.

Dirk really wanted to say “you love me” with the ironic expression John had used early, but he was not as brave or honest.

— Well — he began, feeling absolutely horrible again about John and his father. — Yeah? I mean. Yeah.

He should’ve been the one asking John if he was okay, making sure that he was.

John blinked, looking down now as Dirk went to get another strawberry. He knew something was up and had to follow his intuition. After deciding that he loved Dirk Strider, there was nothing less he could do.

— Did something happen? Recently? — he asked, and yeah, of _course_ it had. The fucking fake smile, Dirk thought. But no, he said, shaking his head. — Something happened, didn’t it?

Ah, shit. Could Dirk lie? Did John know? Or was it a more complex social dynamic like the ones his mind liked to make up?

It probably wasn’t. As his therapist Rose had said before, nothing was really as complicated and thought-out as Dirk’s head made it out to be. He tried to accept believing that, thinking somewhere that she was only trying to make him calmer.

He didn’t know what to say, or think, and better yet, how to feel. He fed one fruit to John and wished he would just shut up and quit reading his mind.

But he would admit. It did feel good, to be seen, and to be understood.

— Why do you think something happened? — he managed to pull out one very serious voice, letting a sigh fade away at the sight of John’s face.

John only nodded. He looked down, he chewed on his fruit.

He wanted Dirk to be okay even though he wasn’t.

— You look different — he spoke, not even understanding what it was about Dirk that made him feel that way.

Maybe it was the way his smile formed. Maybe it was the way he kissed on that particular afternoon, maybe there was something different that his conscious mind wouldn’t have noticed, being it too subtle, too simple. Maybe the way his mouth didn’t taste of that coffee anymore, or the fact that he was less silent. Or maybe it was just intuition. Maybe John _was_ good at that.

And maybe he was reading the mind of the man he loved. He knew it couldn’t be that one but it would have been one cool thing if not untrue.

— You _seem_ different, I mean.

— Do I? — Dirk asked, his mood absolutely ruined. He thought he was looking neutral and even more, he thought he was being happy.

He couldn’t really tell after all.

— I don’t know? I mean, you don’t.

— So… So I don’t?

— Yeah — and John giggled. He inhaled deeply. — Look, Dirk. I’m not gonna go into one of these brain loops where I just fuck words up and ruin the conversation. I don’t know why but I think something happened. I don’t know.

Dirk nodded, scared.

— I know something did.

Strider sighed, feeling his palms start to sweat. Maybe it was just the weather. Christmas…

— Well, since you know something happened, who am I to say it didn’t? — he said, sarcastically. John wasn’t expecting that answer but also didn’t want to begin another one of those loops. — So y’all can see that I’m not alright?

“Are you ever?” John thought, and wow, that was such a fucking rude thought.

— I can see something’s different — he said. — I don’t know what.

Dirk agreed.

— Is it still about Jake?

— Nah — Dirk felt like shit.

— You sure? You seemed pretty overwhelmed last week, when you told him about us.

— Yeah, I was — he confirmed. — I definitely was.

— So what happened then? You said there were a few strange days right after that but what happened recently that you aren’t telling me about?

For Dirk not to feel threatened to answer, John smiled softly. He frowned his eyebrows like one would do when staring at an adorable animal, and just like him, stared into the other one. Dirk decided to be truthful this time, blocking his annoying doubts and trying not to listen to his loud brain.

— Yes — he said. — Something did happen, John. Something with Jake.

John nodded, as if saying “go on”, encouraging Dirk to do so. The man that he loved sighed one more time as if it was necessary to be that dramatic over something that wasn’t even a big deal. But maybe it was like John had said, maybe it was okay to make a big deal out of things that aren’t a big deal.

— It’s stupid.

— You’re doing it again…

— I know… Shit- Yeah, I know — he rubbed his forehead. — I always do.

John did not respond, he didn’t want to interrupt. He extended his arm once again, grabbing Dirk by the arm that he had leaning on the ground, and pulling him close.

— Come here — and Dirk lay down on his lap, finding comfort between John’s leg and adjusting his hair. — Don’t hide anything from me.

As much as Dirk wanted to keep living in that moment forever, he also wanted it to end right there and then. He couldn’t believe he was making a big deal out of his best friend doing something as natural as a fake smile, when his boyfriend was the one who had cried about his dead father a little less than two hours before. He was so fucking selfish but he spoke and spoke anyway, because who gave a fuck. Dirk had finally accepted that John gave a shit about him because who else would be capable of enduring him in that way?

Dirk said what came out and John heard what he could. Before they could even tell, Dirk had talked about so many things, about him and Jake in so many different settings, in so many different timestamps. He spoke about what didn’t even need to be said, and John appreciated being trusted with the chance of hearing it. He told him not about his deepest fears, but about his mistakes. He talked about his guilt, opened up about himself, and being so scared of being cracked open, that almost killed his fragile brain. There was something easy about lying on John’s legs, and telling him about what he wanted to see you talk about. There was something that felt correct about being in front of his house with him, sitting down on the grass with leftover fruit and a lot of bread around, and just allowing yourself to _feel_. Speaking and living with John Egbert did feel like a wind, like passing through a breeze. There were times in which it was like a thunderstorm but the peaceful winds were capable of making it worthy. John nodded throughout all of it, and listened to every single word his brain could process. And shit, if the wind didn’t love the heart already before, he now could confirm that it absolutely did. Selfish thought to have too, he thought, while his lover went ranting about someone else. But even the breeze, even the strongest of thunderstorms, could make mistakes, right?

And so Dirk finished. He could tell it had ended. He could tell he didn’t want to get into the whole lot more, because there was nothing more. He had told John everything he needed to know, at least everything he was capable of understanding. Once he realized it all was out, he sighed inside, feeling a whole lot of weight drop off his shoulders. He looked into the blue eyes that moved, and blinked, and smiled back at him as if they were capable of doing so. And John was _so_ simple. It was so simple to love him.

It was so easy to love him.

All he could do was wait, wait for John to respond, waiting for John to tell him anything. John could kiss him, or John could kill him, and it would all have the same effect. Dirk had _said it_. He wasn’t lying anymore, because there was nothing else to worry about.

It was all out there. And all John could say was:

— Wow.

It felt like an appropriate answer, and Dirk thought that it was too. Dirk rubbed his cheek against the leg he was leaning in, and waited for more. “Wow”, John said again, expressing the same tone of voice. He was thankful. Inside, he was so thankful.

— Wow — Dirk said. — Stupid. As fuck.

John shook his head. 

— So — he began again, still processing everything. — Were you ever going to tell me this or…

— I was planning to — and John nodded, it was good to know, it was good to be aware. — Was scared though.

— Of? — John asked, surprise highlighting his features.

— Everything — Dirk replied. — I am not even lying.

John smiled, for the first time in a while now. He noticed his right hand had been rubbing against Dirk’s face, and so tried to bring his energy to it, so it could whisper in Dirk’s ear: “no, you don’t have to be afraid of anything, not with me”.

— You don’t have to ever worry about pushing me away — he said with conviction. — Not anymore.

— I know — but did he? — I just can’t be sure.

— I will protect you. No matter what.

Dirk closed his eyes, that was hard to hear. He was ready to go to sleep again, ready to wake up on his cold bed and find out that everything was a dream made by his overly-emotional brain and lose everything again. He wouldn’t even care about getting his heart broken this time.

— You will? — he asked. It was right. It was his right to ask.

— You know I will — John _affirmed_. — I’ll always be here for you, l- Dirk.

John caught himself. Dirk looked at him, slowly opening his eyes to get used to the brightness of the low sun. 

— Can you please kiss me? — he asked.

John nodded, coming down.

— Please — Dirk licked his lips. John pressed his own against him and heard him moan, slightly shifting between closing and opening his eyes. They separated. — Thank you.

It was alright. It had to be. “We’re gonna sort everything out” John said, blurting out a couple things about Jake too. To cut it short, he spoke and Dirk could only focus on his words so he missed the chance to hear his voice. He didn’t understand how John could speak through all that, through the day that he had had. He had no idea what passed through John’s mind but his father had to still be there, he had to be somewhere in there. The fact that he didn’t bother with that, and instead, was able to speak with Dirk with no judgement, with no fear, and also, with no tears, was memorable, and it would stay marked in their history together.

Sometimes when John spoke, his voice started to threaten to break, like he was struggling to get the words out. Dirk saw somewhere behind his eyes, he saw the truth back there. And he saw how much he loved him, for the first time, he saw it all.

And they kissed again, happy. They kissed and spoke about Jake’s smile. They spoke about Dave’s reactions, and they spoke about themselves.

Dirk needed to know. John needed to know. A single thought flew in both of their heads, echoing through them “will we really sort everything out?”

The blond man sat in the middle of John’s legs, resting his head against his shoulders and allowing himself to be whispered to. The man that John loved kissed the neck that was right in front of him and felt his heartbeat through one loose vein that told him everything.

Who could have guessed?

— John. What the fuck are we?

Dirk’s face, for the first time, turned actual crimson, as he blushed externally without even knowing.

John blinked three times more than he usually did, as he started rubbing the back of his lover.

— Well, what do you want us to be?

— I don’t know — Dirk responded. — Should I want something?

— Well — John started. — Only if it’s okay that I want something too.

And Dirk froze. He allowed his back to be caressed, and his body to be held, and eventually, his heart to be kept. What John did to him was unexplainable, and he could almost hear the wind whisper to him. “You love him. You love him”.

— So you want something.

— Maybe…

— And what is it that you want?

Their voices, so soft and sweet in that breezy warm evening that was beginning. It turned six when Dirk kissed John’s neck one more time, gaining control of the color of his face again, and sighed, making noises against his skin.

— What are we right now?

— That was my initial question — John chuckled. — I don’t know. I have no idea. We kiss and we like each other but I don’t know.

— Well, we do come from different societies — he joked. — And we do both share a position of Gods of the universe we’re currently in. So…

— Nothing normal about this shit.

— Exactly — John laughed, his beautiful loud laugh. — But… I do think the standard for people who kiss, and like each other, exists…

— Yeah. There’s a word for that somewhere.

— Hm, what must it be…

— Hm, good question, I don’t know.

They both ironized, but not actually wanting to be the first ones to say it. At that moment though, nothing mattered for the bad.

— So we’re a couple.

— Can we call ourselves that? — John asked, confusedly. — Does it matter right now? After everything?

Dirk shook his head no, not leaving John’s neck.

— Of course it would feel good. It’d be incredible to get to call you my boyfriend. But is that what you really are?

— I guess not.

— It just seems like… it’s so slow. It’s also quick but it’s also so slow, you know? Life. Development. It takes so long. It’s so gradual and ceaseless that it just seems like it’s completely stopped. Like someone pressed the pause button of infinity.

“You know? Like. Where is the consent? When something is always extending, infinite, when does it start, when does it end? When do we start being something, when does it matter if we are anything? When _do_ we become something? We like each other, but we don’t continue, because what difference does it make? We wait. And we just enjoy. Because this is eternity. There are no labels in eternity, we can’t keep pretending like this is normal life, we can’t keep pretending that we know what to do. Things have changed and we are eternal, and when life is eternal, time is not real. Because things are happening, but things will always be happening, y’know? Why are we meant to rush what will never ever get a chance to end unless ruined by another force? Do we really have the privilege of being simple in this world that is literally given to us and incomprehensible for the human brain? We. Weren’t made for this”.

And there were two things that Dirk realized when John stopped talking. He had either absolutely ruined John with his own nihilistic pessimism towards that very awful reality that everyone was doomed with, or it had always been like that. Everyone had always been as complex as deep as he feared nobody else was, and so it did feel less lonely. The second thing that he realized was that he wasn’t put off by John’s overcomplication, he actually didn’t care. He had seen that coming. He had seen everything coming. In the beginning, he already calculated it all. And it had happened. One thing had happened and it was too complex for the stupid question of “what are we?” The fact that two of the biggest Gods of the entire universe were wondering if they were in a romantic relationship, proved how stupid their existence was and how nothing would ever seem real enough for John. He didn’t even know how to continue after seeing that. “Yeah Dirk, we’re boyfriends. You, the almighty God of Heart and Soul, and I, the almighty God of Breath and Air, we are in a relationship. We are depressed and stuck in lost brains for the rest of our lives, which, if you haven’t realized, is technically infinite. And we are boyfriends, of course we are. There is no running from this. We will use Earth words, and we will eat what we were taught to eat and sleep like we were taught to sleep, and maybe in one thousand years none of this would matter anymore. But for the present being, what matters is, we are boyfriends, of course we _are_. We are dating and it is not strange. Also, I am in love with you. Love, which is probably deadly to Gods but I _love_ you”.

Yeah, he couldn’t say any of that. And he didn’t even have to. Because Dirk grabbed it from his mind, loving him back and not realizing it.

But he did open his mouth. He did say something.

He said:

— Sorry. Do you wanna be my boyfriend?

Dirk tried to hold it back but he couldn’t. He opened his mouth and laughed with everything he had, blushing one more time and shutting his eyes close, grabbing John’s shirt so he wouldn’t fall off him for laughing so much. The words John spoke were just so beautiful and contradicting, and he loved them. He loved the fact that John was able to create sentences and share words with him. He loved his tone of voice, he loved the voice of his boyfriend.

So yes, of course he did, after laughing it all off, say yes.

— Shit, you’re terrible. You’re just awful — he joked, hearing John laugh along with him but more uncomfortably from having acted so weird. — But of course. Of course I want to be your boyfriend, idiot.

— Really? — John’s eyes widened. — I mean. Cool. That’s nice. Then. We are.

Dirk shook his head, blushing and smiling.

— Although it means absolutely nothing, we are.

— That’s exactly the spirit.

And they got closer together again. Dirk kissed John quickly, and warmly, and pulled on his hair, and gasped for air so he could bite his lips a few times. He threw John back, pushing him to the ground and making his back touch the grass. John moved his hands in direction to Dirk’s back and pulled on his shirt. The floor was not comfortable but Dirk pressed on John’s chest anyway, forcing him down while he started kissing his neck using his tongue and teeth. John’s fingers twitched, as he tried not to moan because they were on the ground outside, and moaning while being pressed down against the grass didn’t seem like the coolest of ideas. He tried to wait for Dirk to finish kissing him there but he would fucking explode if he went on any longer.

— Ok, ok, stop — and Dirk did, moving away. — Please let’s go inside.

— Awn, John Egbert can’t handle a little kiss on the neck, huh? — Dirk questioned, smirking and moving closer again. John sighed and tried to pull him away with a giggle.

— I’m serious, this is not a way to treat your boyfriend, Dirk…

— Can’t I treat him like I want to? — he pouted.

— No — John responded with a smile.

And then it started raining, which made them need to run inside.


	4. Quatrième

The walls of Rose’s room were dark purple, and Dirk liked them. He used to stare into them, making sure she couldn’t see his eyes clearly, whenever she'd ask something difficult. She noticed, and he knew she did, but those were the moments when Dirk started regretting ditching his shades a year ago - because they were useful. He was staring at the purple walls now, trying to calculate everything that he should or shouldn’t say about John, everything he could and couldn’t say about Jake, because it was harder to be an analytical freak when your psychiatrist literally knew everyone in your life, and was also your biological daughter.

But Dirk breathed it, because he wasn’t being so bad at therapy on that day. He had actually been having quite pleasant conversations with Rose. Besides thousands of depressive thoughts and anxiety-inducing fears, it was mostly alright. She felt like he had finally got used to realizing that the Rose in their session was not the Rose in their lives, and that she was enough of a professional to never get anything mixed up, and to never make him say too much outside of that one room with purple walls in her house. Dirk sighed, still talking to her, opening up about his new boyfriend, and all the fears surrounding Jake, which had since then been talked about more than once.

Rose hadn’t been planning on asking that so early on. The question of “do you still love him?” could seem so unfair, so heartbreaking, if it wasn’t so useful. If Rose did not need to ask Dirk eventually if he was still in love with the best friend that he used to be with, then it would be wrong. She was a professional, and that she knew she was.

Seeing the way Dirk reacted surprised her. Because she was expecting denial, she was expecting negation - and of course, she was hoping that the answer was no. Dirk was too, he needed to admit.

But the _thoughts_. The thoughts had him doubting the truth of his own heart, and the logic inside his own brain. He looked at the walls as he spoke, as he thought about Jake and John, as he thought about everything. The walls seemed to move as he didn’t hold back, as he tried his best to not hold back.

Rose was listening but she was _not_ his Rose there. And he had to remember that. He had to pretend like he was talking to himself.

And so he spoke.

— I love John — he began, telling the truth. And if there was a machine hooked to his arm that was able to detect lies, it wouldn’t have alerted anything right then. Dirk Strider did love John Egbert.

Rose nodded, because she knew that.

— And I want to be with him. It’s overwhelming, like I told you. I don’t believe in forever.

“You don’t believe in anything” Rose thought. But he knew that already. It was useless to repeat.

— I can’t hope, and I know I won’t hope, because I’m not even able to, I just don’t have to — but he wished he did. — But with him, I feel what I felt with Jake. I feel like I never want to leave. And forever feels real.

— It does? — she asked, curious.

— Yeah it feels like… not like forever exists, don't think I'll ever be able to believe in it — the lying machine would not alert anything that time either. — It’s overwhelming hearing that strange voice in my head saying “wow, you want to be with him forever”. And I don’t doubt that John feels the same.

— You don’t? — she affirmed in the form of a question. — That is new. And great.

— Yeah. Yeah, it actually is.

“But…” the situation called.

— With him. It’s so good. It’s so new, it’s so exciting — and as he thought of John, his heart lit up, it always did. — It feels right, and it wouldn’t feel right a year ago but it’s just so obvious. And it’s so... It’s so good.

“But…” the situation called one more time.

— But sometimes — he paused. — When I’m with him — he paused again. — I think I kinda wish it was Jake there. Or. I.

He paused for good this time.

— I think. I think of him. I don’t know.

Rose stopped. She didn’t need to analyze the situation because she had been doing that for years now. No, she thought, he did not wish it was Jake there.

— Are you sure, Dirk? That is a lot to admit.

— Yeah — he nodded. — What do you think?

— Are you sure you’re not just making that up? — she continued. — Are you sure your brain isn’t just lying to you?

Dirk stood in silence. He didn’t know what to say. He had thought a lot about his brain and constantly fought against what he called “the thoughts”. He didn’t consider it to be a lie, he just thought it was too much of a truth, like he knew so much about everything that he just couldn’t find peace inside his own brain. It wasn’t like his head was actively lying to him. It was more like he couldn’t know _what_ was a lie and what wasn’t. Because, for him, everything could be a truth. And for his thoughts, everything was real and truthful, with reason and proof behind it.

And so he wasn’t going to speak, he wasn’t going to bring himself to try to explain anything to Rose anymore because “the thoughts” would take him to another loop. He knew that. He knew every single thing about how his brain worked, he knew everything that went on in his brain, every single one of the thoughts, from the worst to best ones, from the most stupid to smartest. He didn’t know, however, what stood in Rose’s brain.

And Rose knew it for ages. She knew and was waiting for the day where she’d finally be able to present it away.

— I’m afraid I have sensed a long pattern of characteristics of something in you, Dirk — she spoke, finding and being able to use her words perfectly, which left Dirk _stunned_. 

So he blinked twice, staring at her. Waiting. Always waiting.

— I’m afraid you might have OCD. Obsessive-compulsive disorder.

And he wanted to vomit. Yeah, he knew about that too. He didn’t know what it meant but he knew about that. Rose was pretty smart and observant but it wasn’t like she could be able to understand him. In his head, it wasn’t like anyone could. He wanted to leave that room and not have to hear about another fucking illness that he might have in that broken head of his. But he couldn’t just leave her. Despite what he had accepted about her and Rose Lalonde being different people, having different settings, she was still the daughter he loved and cared about. 

So he just sat. He sat. And he heard.

— Yeah?

And then Rose explained it to him. She started at the beginning of what it meant to have an obsessive disorder, and followed the perfect line onto explaining about Dirk’s compulsions that he thought were absolutely unseen too. Shit, he thought, she notices shit. And as she spoke he just felt so fucking gross. He just wanted to leave, to destroy that mind of his, that mind that never left him alone, the mind that wouldn't ever get better, and that doomed him to forever have shitty disgusting loops of thoughts about even the grossest of things, things that he wouldn't be able to write down anywhere. Things that would forever be unseen.

He felt so wrong. He felt sick, gross. He felt as if the world had fallen on him. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t want to have that - because who does? He wanted to tell her that he would rather just know he's a fucking evil person with evil thoughts, than have a disease in his sick brain, another one of them. But at the same time as he felt gross, he just felt so seen, he felt so fucking seen.

It made so much fucking sense.

And so Rose finished speaking, and waited for him to react. All he had done was nodding, all he had done was listening and nodding. And shit, the loops in his head... The neverending thoughts... The fear inside him, and the incapability to ever let go of what his own brain judged to be real.

Wow. It sucked.

— I’m not gonna diagnose you yet, Dirk. I wanted you to think about speaking more to me about this. I need you to.

He nodded.

— If you really have that, Dirk, which is... really likely — Rose touched her hair. — It is a really serious disease that can ruin lives. It can ruin you forever.

As if he didn’t know that already.

— And so, as your therapist, and as your _daughter_ …

He nodded.

— I need you to promise you’ll talk to me more. Please. 

And he started thinking. He started thinking again. Promise. Talking.

He could do promising.

— I…

— You don’t have to say anything right now — she interrupted. — You _can_ have your time to learn, your time to think. But please. Just please.

“Yeah”, he thought. “Please”.

— I advise you to open up about your darker thoughts — and he thought “yeah, right”. — I know you live in your head. But it's a suggestion.

— A really smart one — he responded, honestly.

— Starting with me would be the smartest choice to make — she continued. — Aside from being your family, I am pretty much the biggest neutral ground for you.

He nodded, _again_.

— Am I not?

— Yeah, you are — and it was true. — Hey.

— What?

— Remember how I said I talked to John about the stuff with Jake?

— Yes, of course.

— I spent the night with him yesterday. At my house. For the first time.

— Oh? — she smiled.

— We usually would spend the whole day at his. But last night Jake suggested that we all had dinner together. Or… whatever meal eating snacks counts as…

Rose giggled with her hand in front of her mouth.

— And it… wasn’t scary? It’s been getting less scary with time, seeing them together. I'd probably have had an anxiety attack if that happened before. But this time it just… felt alright.

— Did it feel like family, if you don’t mind me asking?

— Yeah, I don’t mind — he said. — And. Maybe. It just felt... like it felt before, you know? Before I got with John. But maybe... even better?

— Yeah? — Rose was smiling, black lipstick on her lips.

She was so proud of him.

— Yeah… Maybe — he sighed. — And. Yeah. I don’t think I...

She waited.

— I don’t think I still love Jake.

— Of course you don’t — she confirmed. — I mean this professionally, and personally.

He smiled, forcefully.

— Thank you.

— And so I suggest that you speak with them too — she started. — I am your neutral ground. But _they're_ the ones you live with now, Dirk. They're the ones who are going to need to know. It’s their turn to be able to listen to you.

— Yeah — he scratched his leg. — I told John some things. Been trying to get him to talk more too.

— Don’t worry, he’s going to open up soon — she spoke, remembering her last therapy session with John himself. — Any progress on Jake?

— Yes. Surprisingly. 

— There’s a lot you haven’t been telling me, Strider… — she smirked.

— Hey, there’s neverending things to tell you — he replied. — It’s… It’s hard.

— It’s not meant to be easy.

And Dirk remembered one of the things she said to him in past sessions. “Life is not written to be simple. And you, you have overcomplicated the simplest of parts”.

He waited, looking in her eyes and thinking of Roxy immediately. She and Rose barely looked alike but Rose’s eyes always reminded him of her. Rose looked almost exactly like Dirk. She stared at him and he saw himself with more delicate features, brown skin, and beautiful makeup. But the _eyes_ , they were just like Roxy’s, pointed out to the same side, and carrying long eyelashes that could attract anyone’s sight.

He breathed in, remembering Roxy’s smile and glee and how happy she was now. He remembered how much harder so many things seemed to be before, and he was so thankful. Shit was still hard but in so many things, so much easier.

He thanked Rose, with her beautiful Roxy eyes. He wanted to go home.

— I'm not going to prescribe you anything for now, except for speaking. Speaking your heart _and head_ out.

— Alright — he breathed dramatically, attracting a loud laugh from her. — I’ll try.

— Please. I know you always do.

— Yeah — it was true. — I do.

And when Dirk arrived home, he talked to Jake. He told him everything Rose had said, only having a few close-mental breakdowns, and never wanting to die in the middle of his sentences. Jake nodded, surprised, throughout all of it, and Dirk was sure he didn’t even know what was going on, or what he was trying to say. But as he told Rose, he was trying. He was trying harder than he usually tried. And for once, it worked. Jake smiled, and Jake held him close, and he knew. He knew for sure. Not everything that his head said was true.

Maybe there was still hope for his hopeless self. 

* * *

He then was on his bed. On his own bed. And for the first time, it wasn’t strange. _John_ was there but it wasn’t strange. It wasn’t strange for Jake, or Dirk, or John himself, because things had been said, and changed for the better. It felt good having John on his bed instead of crashing at his house all the time. Dirk would enjoy it if the smell of John’s hair stayed on his pillow. He would enjoy having his boyfriend at the place he was most familiar with, just being there. And finally, the guilt was small.

Dirk still felt guilt, but much less. So much less.

John was also thinking about what changed.

He knew he was happier, and didn’t give a fuck if it would be over anytime soon (sometimes it was over at night). He knew from the start that they both had so many differences in view, but that they were so, so, alike. He was so confused before, not knowing what was real or if things _were_ real at all and now, there he was. He was sitting with Dirk on a comfortable bed, both leaning against the wall behind them, remembering how much he had changed. He used to be so angry. He used to hate so many things.

And now, he didn’t? Or didn’t care if he did.

He didn’t care about anything anymore. It was alright. Even if for a while, it was alright.

He wanted to know how Dirk felt. They were together, sure, but was Dirk _happy_? John felt good but did Dirk? He probably did, he surely did, but John could make sure. He could make sure his boyfriend felt good being with him. He could make sure his boyfriend was _happy_ there on his bed. Because even if he hadn’t heard it from Dirk yet, he was sure that _he_ was in love himself.

So John asked. Because Dirk's bed seemed like the place for that. 

It seemed like the place for the truth.

— Dirk — he began.

Dirk looked at him, and he smiled, not showing his teeth. John didn’t stare at him back but the hand on his hair stayed there, caressing it… not stopping. Giving him love, and comfort.

And so he asked.

— Are you happy?

And Dirk stopped. He remembered Rose’s words, he remembered Jake’s hug, and he wanted to say it as simply as he could, but as honestly as he should.

He decided to try.

— John — he thought that was an easy way to begin. John stared down at him. So Dirk looked down to John’s shoulder.

He moved his right hand so it would touch his boyfriend’s chest, bringing it up and down, playing with his shirt. Was Dirk _happy?_

— This is a loaded question, _love_.

— Yeah — he giggled.

— But. I guess what I can say is... it’s complex — “Hm?” John hummed, as if asking “how so?” — Am I _happy_ with you? Yes, and I am happy right now, 'cause I’m with you and because, I love you.

— I love you too.

— I love my friends, and I love my family — he thought of them. — I have shit to be happy about.

John nodded, hearing him, and moving his hair.

— But — he paused. — Is this really how you measure what happiness is? Like… if you maybe try to weigh all the moments I feel “happy” in and all the moments I feel “sad” in, will either of them win? Or is this just like, complicated to grasp?

“Yeah…” John said again, chuckling.

— Because. Yeah. Obviously. I’m not... so lost, you know? — he spoke honestly. — But I am. I guess. I guess I’m happy. I’m _capable_ of happiness. If you were to ask me, are you happy, I’d say “yeah. I’m just sick”.

That was absolutely true for John too.

— But, “is Dirk Strider a happy guy?” I don’t think the most appropriate answer to that question would be a simple “yes…” — he stopped moving John’s shirt, feeling him breathe in, and out. — But... since overcomplicating can fuck you up, then I guess…

— This is your answer.

— I guess so.

And Dirk looked back up at John. They kissed without even noticing they were going to. Their lips attracted one another and they just shared a slow, passionate kiss, for a few seconds. I guess that could work as an answer too.

— Huh — John spoke again, breaking the silence of the kiss. — It's interesting, you know?

— What, John?

— Happiness.

— Ah. Yeah, it is.

— It’s not just a thing that pops in our head, it’s like — he fought to find the words, narrowing his eyebrows. — Real.

And Dirk noticed that it _did_ feel real. But more than that, it felt like wind.

Whenever he felt that happiness could stay in his heart, he noticed it felt like wind, like a breeze.

Maybe he associated it with John, now that he was more understood.

— You know — and Dirk waited for the rest of that “you know”, thinking it would still be on the subject of “happiness”.

Maybe it was.

— I think my dad _would_ like you.

— Yeah? — Dirk asked. — You thought about it?

— Yeah — John replied. — Always do.

And he wasn’t going to lie.

It was good to know.

— Would he really like me? — Dirk asked, showing his teeth in his smile.

— I have no fucking idea.

They both laughed together, bodies vibrating like one against the wall on that bed.

— I didn’t know him that much. Although I thought I did.

— Hey, you did — Dirk tried to support him. — You were just… a kid. There’s a lot kids don’t know about their parents.

— Yeah. I know — John said. — That’s what sucks.

The fact that he had left so early.

— It just hurts that the thoughts are just going away… And one day, they might be gone.

— I hope they never go.

— Me too.

And as much as Dirk noticed that it hurt for John to revisit memories, for him to keep that memory in his heart, it would hurt even more to let him go again.

It would hurt even more to let him be forgotten.

So they stayed. They lay together in that windy afternoon. Dirk placed a kiss near John’s chin, telling him “I’m here for you” in a low voice, sounding like a whisper.

— You know what’s funny?

— What?

John used his arms to bring Dirk close. Wow. Dirk loved him. Dirk really really loved him.

And he, was in love too? John was... so okay.

He was so okay.

— Immortality is also a mean joke of the universe — Dirk said, staring straight and smiling wide. — Giving it to suicidal people was just… the cherry on top.

John listened.

— Are you… are you that? Are you suicidal?

— Well, yeah.

John didn’t know how to react to hearing that. Inside, he knew something was up. Dirk wasn’t just depressed, he had shared that he thought about ending it all more than the average depressed person had.

But it hurt. Hearing it, it hurt. And Dirk knew, and understood why it hurt.

But it was meant to. It was good that it hurt.

— I do think I’m gonna kill myself eventually. If the thoughts keep getting bigger.

— Wow. Dirk…

— Sorry, I thought you knew — he was nervous. — I’m sorry. I don’t want to make you worried, it’s not like I’m… planning to do it.

— Good.

— But… I’m sorry. It’s just something my head seems to be sure of.

John stayed silent. He was admittedly terrified. Terrified of saying the right thing, terrified of ruining everything, terrified of “listening wrong”. He didn’t know what any of it meant, but he was so scared. He felt Dirk’s entire life on his shoulders, inside his hands, even if that was _not_ the case.

It was heavy, to hear, but it was good. It was good that it was heavy. It wasn’t meant to be easy, it never was.

— Sorry.

But he didn’t have to apologize again. Dirk didn’t have to apologize for being honest.

He wasn’t saying he _was_ gonna do anything. He was just trying, in his own way, to express that he needed help.

If that was the only way he could find to open up, by speaking about suicide with his partner while sitting on his bed, then that was the way he would do it. John was proud of him, for even saying anything, instead of keeping it to himself.

— Don’t apologize — he said. — Please. Just talk to me.

— Alright.

Dirk could do talking. He had learned to talk.

— I love you.

— I know — he said with a giggle. — I love you too.

— That probably doesn’t change anything, huh? — John asked, chuckling and still terrified of saying the wrong thing. 

— No, it does. Like… a lot.

— Oh — John nodded. — Then… good. I love you.

Dirk smiled, and even if it was small, it still was genuine.

— You've... changed it a lot. My mind, I mean.

He wanted to cry. His eyes always threatened to cry whenever he spoke about something hard for the first time. Whenever it came out of his mouth like never before, even if he repeated it in his head every single day. He didn’t cry, though. He did feel the short urge but not the whole impulse. And so he just stood, and thanked his eyes that they didn’t do anything. He really didn’t want the sight of John’s lips to get blurred by a stupid swarm of tears.

He could talk about suicide all he wanted, but he couldn’t bear to lose the image of John’s face, his expression so soft but jaw so stiff and straight. His eyes so blue and his arms so warm and welcoming, _shit_ , he couldn’t bear losing all that.

His hair and the way he’d run his hands through it whenever he came out of the shower. His nose and the perfection of his imperfect teeth, his chin and his legs and everything reaching from head to toe and the way he would hold Dirk close and make him sleep in the evening.

His voice and the way he played, _God_ , the way he played the piano… Dirk swore that he could listen to John play for the rest of his life, he swore that he could stay in place for years and years, if it was watching, and listening, to the music he made with his beautiful fingers.

His hands were so beautiful too, they were everything Dirk needed. When they gently touched his face or brushed against his hair, when they were silent and sleeping together with John or when they were happily touching him or swaying around in a dance.

The way John listened to him, the way he talked and saw, the way he slept and the way he ate and drank and the way he breathed and the way he walked. It was everything about John, there was nothing that he couldn’t help but notice, there was nothing he could do to stop himself from looking into those blue eyes, from wanting or _needing_ to hold his hand, from needing to be by his side, needing to be his friend and needing him to be in love back. It wasn’t just the smile or the voice, it was everything. Dirk looked at John and saw a future and not just the present him. 

And that was what John had changed. Dirk was planning his _future_ , his head was thinking of staying. For once, it was thinking of growing.

He knew it was selfish to need him _that_ much but he knew he was needed back. There was nothing else, nothing else he wanted to achieve, and all that really mattered was staying warm and going to bed once or twice a day. Life, as fucked up as it was, had been absolutely deleted by Dirk’s brain, as he just loved John Egbert too much. He needed John Egbert too much. He was too lost in the feeling, he had forgotten about the rationality.

In his head… maybe… maybe John was the reason the sun shone every day?

Who could prove that he wasn’t?

Dirk just couldn’t believe there was ever a time when he didn’t love John, that there was a time where the two of them didn’t see each other. He was now so stupid, he was so dumbed down by love. He just wished his head would be in that state forever, so he could always only get lost in the feeling of John’s skin, and never have one rational thought ever again. He wanted to be lost, he wanted to stay deep, deep where all that existed was the fact that he loved John, and that he loved all of John.

And that was when he realized, as he was coming back, how much it would suck to lose someone like John.

And how much it would probably suck to him to lose someone like Dirk.

He really had fallen in love, huh?

So Dirk stared into John’s eyes one more time. Maybe he had been silent for too long? Maybe. But he couldn’t really tell. He didn’t know how long he had stared at his own hands for, imagining everything that just went through his head. He wasn’t sure if he had been the last one to speak, or to hear, and definitely wasn’t sure what to say next. He didn’t even know if John was waiting for an answer or not.

But what he did know, was that he was okay. He now, was okay.

And it’d still be hard. But he couldn’t leave John. He couldn’t hurt him.

He now needed to find a reason to stay, but he had a huge reason _not_ to leave.

And that would be enough to keep him alive. For now, that was enough to keep him standing.

— Dirk?

Dirk was there, he was right there. “Yeah?”

— You wanna watch another movie?

And that was what mattered, absolutely nothing else did. As long as that moment lasted, then everything would be alright.

— John — he replied. — There’s nothing I wanna do more.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thank you so much for reading the whole story, it really means the world to me :) hope you enjoyed these lil four chapters and that the seriousness and fluffiness were well-balanced for you! Now just imagine them... five years later... just doing husband shit... Jade moves somewhere with Jake or something, or maybe she gets John a house with Dirk, IDK. Maybe they're that couple who doesn't live together, they have that vibe...
> 
> Anyway, I need to go get over this fic's JohnDirk, I love them too much :,D and hope you did too!


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